i get that you know everything about me, even the stuff about me that i subconsciously blocked out. it scares me you’re so clever and can come at me with those sweet words. new words all the time, but that way you have with words, you’re like a ballerina. it gets me every time.

you plucked my heartstrings in exactly the right ways. and then you break my heart in the worst ways imaginable. multiple times. i know i always tell others to get outta that sorta relationship because you always see clearer in 3rd person. but i kept falling for your tricks anyway, even to the point where i knew the other shoe was about to drop. it was masochistic of me, i guess. but it started to get annoying. because i had to start reflecting on my own personal life, something i know i’m supposed to do, but i didn’t find that so important then as i do now..

the elation, the uppity sweetness, and then the emotional turmoil. that was your pattern. you even seemed to enjoy watching my insides get wrenched. your patience with the setup to the punchline, is legendary.

but upon reflection, i realized this. that’s just exactly how life is. one never stays happy and good because circumstances change. like your words. so instead of hating you, i forgive. you taught me a lot about myself, as i had to figure out the hidden things about myself in order to defend myself. so you taught me about myself, my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses and you taught me about life. Yet, I’m not cynical, nor do i have a pessimistic outlook. I would’ve had i never learned to pay attention to myself and worked on the things that made me prey to you. i even learned new skills along the way, skills that will help me in life and society.

this is significant because i didn’t care to be alive and in society while we had our thing. when things were good, i wanted to be good, but i didn’t care if i died. i guess you kinda took that fear of death away. strange, indeed. it’d be pretty f*cking cool if you had done all this on purpose, like it was some strange life lesson you came to teach me, but i’ll never know while i’m alive. but because of the many times you made me feel like nothing, the times i felt utterly crushed, i feel different. more interested in life, and the little things people do. it’s like a new set of senses to experience the world.

sometimes, I wonder if you turned me into a creature just like you.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

roses in the morning

aaaaaaaaand you’re dead. i loved you. i hated you. i love you.

i loved you at first, because that was for me. i hated you afterwards because loving you kept me from living my own life. now that you’re out i understand both loving and hating you helped to enrich my life for better or worse, so i love you unconditionally for that. the debt is paid, we’re forgiven. now go live, and if you ever see me again, gimme that smile and have a drink with me. i know i speak in riddles sometimes, we all do because we don’t understand the power of our words. mere words. everyone see’s what the sum of their words mean, sooner or later. and the very heaven and hell they really create.

don’t be so glum, you’re starting to get the hang of life, don’t quit now, silly goose! you’re doing fine. imagine if you never learned anything. where’d you be then? bad things happen, but they will be bad things for a long time until you learn from them. there will never be someone more hard on you but yourself.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

the out crowd

when i was a kid, i wanted to meet and befriend only the cool and interesting people. they were always the ones that were outta this world. those types. now that i’m much older, i realized all the cool and interesting people were the ones that were neither cool nor interesting to begin with. the younger (now older) crowd still try to hang on to those strange and weird quirks they brandished, though, as much as i adore the strange and weird, they didn’t change much. Cool and interesting is something you grow into, and it’s rough edges are smoothed out. it’s beautiful. but peaking at a young age for cool and interesting, leaves little room to grow.

i was a cool and interesting kid. now i’m not. my balls dropped, i thought about the future, gotta iron shirts. I guess i developed my ego late, and it stuck with me. i gotta get drunk or high sometimes to lose my ego in order to feel like a kid again. what a shit deal.

if you got kids, make them grow up first. teach them to earn a childhood for a rainy day. because once they become adults in this world, the rain seems almost ceaseless even on a sunny day.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

armageddon within

even in death there’s more to learn. i’ve died so many times, just in this life it’s almost ridiculous. but ridiculous is almost the only way anything catches my attention. i’m a sinful man, a naughty girl, but also virtuous and graceful. i’ve seen how my life works and how it doesn’t, but of course there’s another tricking. they say seeing is believing but seeing is the tricky skill to learn. it isn’t with your eyes. it ain’t with your heart. it’s just a simplified way to say understanding. that utilizes all your sensory organs, including the ones you don’t see. i know it sounds weird, but it also means using the strange gifts your science can’t fully explain. things like intuition. you have so many. but these are just words. understanding is beyond words, it’s beyond the speed of light. and it’s for everyone.

it’s a long ladder but how to climb it, is tricky. it’s your ladder, built in this world. it’s weird, love it, but you’re not as alone as you think you are sometimes. learn to be patient, please. i tell myself that all the time. but time isn’t real, and the more i learn the more i can understand how to undo it or lift the veil on it. understand it.

reach for that heaven, but when you get there, don’t let your guard down. the armageddon within is the first clue of many.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

fine, feckwad

i hope i cando what i can to help the righteous or whatever they want to call themselves, win. i want they who are right to tower over the pettiness us, everyday humans, face. i really do hope the right of the universe is in balance.

and that the scum of it stays unscathed. the dirt of it is still as buried as it is now. the “light side” ends up telling you the truth.

…and thats the light side ain’t existent, without that dark. that those fuckers have been working together. recruitin. whatever. what do you call selling your soul to the jesus man? what do you call selling it to the horned man? to the good, to the bad? if this is their game and you’re sooooo intelligent, why?

..I’ve seen both their faces. and i promise you… neither of those faces are right.

someone ain’t telling the truth.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

the cry

would never ask a person to do somethinge i wouldn’t do. it’s an old, honorable king’s saying, but it’s kinda true. but i kinda got the jist of it. new times, new age.

let’s be honest, (if you was a lady or lord, in modern day terms means rich and okay),  you’d be split. if you knew someone, they’d be spared.

the thing is, you need turmoil, and blood. So give us that. Yeah, turn in your children and your bastards. It will be disgusting and disgraceful. but it will e prepare them for a world of war.

unsettled, i say this, the most quiet man will gain His bounty, the man that say the least.

the anger of a thousand son peaks.

and it speaks nothing of these names.

all are welcome.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

i fought demons, not my own, but they were in the party mix. i fought yours too, for your goddamn honor and ya relay that back to me like it was a bad badmitton match. i fought lions, through two city lengths! and a few dragons that didn’t want to know if they were on my side or yours. but to be fair, i didn’t have a side. i fought just to fight. when the tendrils are up against your thought, metaphorically, literally, or euphemistically, you wonder. you wonder what the hell you were fighting for. for honor, or some semblance of a type of honorability? that’s not a word. fuck it. fuck that word. what it does tell me, is that me, this poor old sapling of no importance fought for you. does it matter? does it matter in the real world. i honestly don’t know, and could not give more than a fucking concern. however, i did fight for you, and my concepts didn’t come to me about you not caringthat it did come to me correctly.

you don’t care if there’s a savior. you really don’t care about your situation. you don’t gve a fuck about the things happening to your friends because it isn’t happening to you. you feel free because they are not attached to you. rightfully. you give less of a fuck, if at all, if it just happens to people you know. around your bubble. satisfying, yes? i’d say so. i would so hard, say so. but, here’s the thing; your ass is suckered into it. i don’t know ow else to tell you this but, everyone you’ve ever wronged, been unkind to, and worse, are just attached to you as they you’ve been kind, generous, and self-less with.

we’re a leeching species and we attach ourselves not by will, but by disdain. disgust even. it will follow you like a long shadow in the dark and cold night. but we will be there. we are already dead, and we live. but the more you deny us, the more the ‘pangs’ will hurt. but we will be heard. Your only saving grace is that voice in the back of your feeble little mind that tells you, everyone is important.

on a side note, brauty is in the eye of the beholder. which means, to me, your perception is king. so yeah, you can win if your cold, cutting, and careless; but if you’re human, you cannot.

(personally, i know i can’t win. but this is a truth i learned only after dragging myself through the underworld and back to this unforgiving plane. the truth is, it’s up to them. the viewers of this sick and sad and sweetass show.)

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized