in the cheap brass kingdom

Being nice is always easier than being mean. Being tolerant is a different game. sometimes, this karma game really seems like horseshit. with my luck, the more i want blood, the more i probably won’t get it. so piss me off to save your lives. i really didn’t want to have a short fuse in life, but lo’ and behold. the last time i was angry, it was because i let a homeless person sleep in my house. he was kind and cold, had a daughter incidentally named after my stillborn older sister. Joy. turned out he was a freak and fucked everything up for me and my friends, of whom i lived with. i wanted to be a kind man. a gentle man. a good man. but thankfully he showed me not to fear the wrath within.

that wrath, along with all her sisters, kinda simmers beneath all our skins. disguises. your golden rule has evolved, and it’s quite important you begin to pay attention. your trusted friends, civil servants, craigslist. it’s magnetic poles have shifted. you wouldn’t believe the wonderful things that have happened to me when i decided to become selfish, ruthless, cruel and the like. and if thine karma be correct, then i won’t have to pay for it, now or the next life. i’m keeping the cycle going! you may say. No i’m not. i never was. you were. now i’m kind and nice to people. but only to look for blood. sure, maybe i went to the dark side, but in a macroscopic view, who really was the dark side? gotta feed my fury. gotta feed glee too. balance. but this fury, this fury that i never wanted to begin with. this is balance, i am balance. oh, what unimaginable fun!

don’t get me wrong, i’ll crush the people more evil than i. buuut, i gotta crush those people too happy. they both give goosebumps, really. they who understand not what balance is. and i’m right under your nose about it. i’m the fella that says, “iono”. maybe even change the subject altogether. the thinkers stand now. and it will be bloody fun! for everyone! we might act like clowns, but we’re you’re teachers. they be none in thine kingdom that knoweth more than jesters, thy teachers.

 

this whole thing seems dark. i’ll justify it by saying most of the things i write are channeled. it’s not by me. edgar cayce and zech sitchin and all those weirdos. the woman too. talking with spirits are one thing, but sometimes, they’re downright evil. case in point, what i’ve written lately. anyone who knows me would say, “that’s not him, no way! hugh’s the nicest person ever!” and it’s true. i really am. but being too far to one end of the spectrum makes you vulnerable to these things. i.e. being too nice. or being too mean. that classic visual of the devil and an angel on your shoulder is sort of like how it feels. except there are several devils and fewer angels. personally, i believe it’s because it’s much easier to be devilish than like an angel. i could’ve said “angelic” but even i have this built in stigma that says, “i am not worthy of such titles.” i know you do too. it’s built in, duh. so, i’ve decided to let the devils speak. perhaps they are what my subconscious is really thinking, but how do you explain the part where you don’t really dislike what i said. you can’t. it’s built in. so here i am, being a nice guy again, and telling you what it is. sort of. subconscious or otherworldly. oOoOOOooOo. it’s in us. russian sleep experiment. google that. anyway, this brief bubble of clarity is about to leave me. i gotta go. i’m sorry.

…riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.

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black diamonds

you know, i kind of enjoy putting salt on my canker sores. like home some like to press elevator buttons, pop bubble wrap or even blow bubbles when a straw is attached to a beverage. it’s like causing a tiny bit of destruction in something benign. but you just won’t feel at peace unless you do it. it might even be good for you. if you don’t do it, you pent it up and release it in some scarier way. always. everything works in balance. tip the scales, and you must except the centrifugal force to tip it back.

enough about us, i’m talking about me. i like the burn. and there’s a certain distinct satisfaction to it. especially so, the immediate moment after when i scream, ‘hulk smash!’ such a liberating phrase, that. he might become large and destructive and scream, and smash, and all the fun business, but imagine if he were to keep it cool like Bruce Banner? that’s how it looks like right now for most everyone. everyone’s so tame now. who dunnit? and they expect to keep us this way it seems. i dunno. but i don’t wanna be where bruce banners  of the world lose their shit, the spirit and mind is a funny thing. i think the she-hulk got it right. brains and braun. quiet, controlled chaos. kinda like them that tamed ya. except, we know secrets hurt, don’t we. so we’ll wear our strength along with the hearts on our sleeves.

but keep barking. like chihuahuas. talk will get us nowhere. but don’t be afraid of the fire you’re trying to keep low inside. can’t you feel it all around? when the fury comes, duuuuuuuuuuuude. it’s gonna be siiiiiiiiiick. i propose we join the dark side, and crush it from the inside out. it’s only the best plan in all the universe. fuck the universe, though, it’s for this measly bubble of a planet. teehee <333

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fomalhaut

i don’t understand sometimes. I ain’t too smart but there are times i want to curl up and stop listening. everyone seems so busy telling me how to do things but they don’t know why they do things. everybody knows hoooooow. but why we do the things we do is the real question. Never how. How is the treatment, but why is the problem.

if you can’t tell me why, then you’ve told me nothing but how much your treating something you don’t understand.

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disney princess

my whole life,
they said I was
a caterpillar
waiting to be a butterfly.
ate it up.
turned out i was a maggot
waiting
to be a moth.
i wasn’t a bird from paradise,
i’m a bat
outta
hell.
i’m a faucet the cums
like a raging river.
i’m no better
than you.
life isn’t about
how much you’ve
loved,
but by how much you’ve
given up.
gave up so much,
ready to leave.
but remembered
I’d be nothing
without you.
come with me
let me show horrors
beneath the sea.
it’ll change
that angry heart.

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toast to the tissue

my life is
my magnum opus,
my life divine,
none
have rights over me.
i’m death on a light step.
i’m alone
and never lonely.
laughing
at sadness and
cry for the unfeeling.
i’m the third
person.
breathe in your fear, i breathe and
exhale your terror, i breathe again.
never
speak.
only listen.
that is how love is done.
peek through the shades,
i’m your shadow and i’ve
never
left you.

panic and dread run
quicker than all.
for your embrace
stop
running.
look
me in my midnight eye.

divine, devilish
is my patience.

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reborn boys, mrs. magician.

Mom let me have friends over, but they always trekked dirt and mud everywhere. She gave me my older brother’s old t-shirt to use as a rag to clean up the mess. It was annoying, and when I did clean, I never did it in front of my friends. I didn’t want them to see that part for some reason. I just had to have the house clean before my dad came home.

He looks scary because of his tats. He has prison tats and a few of my friends have seen them. But I beat him twice while wrestling. He has bad knees. He never kneelled for anything, not even when he was tapping out. He’s a softie at heart. Has to take supplements and shit. I beat him not to win, but to show him that I could take care of myself if I ever needed to. I’d prefer to avoid conflict myself. One of the very few times he spoke anything, he said, “Don’t Fight. But If You Do, Win.”

I always cleaned up after my friends and they never knew. They will never know. Where I grew up, my house wasn’t big or extravagant. But it wasn’t small. Everyone walked around freely. Nothing was private but not in a bad way. You’d think we’d hired a cleaner. We didn’t because I was the cleaner. I was the cleaner because it was my friends, but they were like family too. But I cleaned the house without complaining because it was the only condition I had to follow. So my friends could come over.

Mom, said to clean in case dad came home early. But no matter how well I cleaned, I knew he knew. But he went along with it. Probably because he knew I worked so hard to keep it from him. He’s a scary dude. Not intentionally, just what people see and judge about him. He has a better sense of humor than one would think. He knows he looks scary, so he uses that.

He was in prison for dumb reasons. but times were different then. He got jail time for doing what he thought best for his family. Because he didn’t speak the language, the courts put him away. For love. Nobody can explain the things they do for love. His boss was the guy that turned him in!

When he got out, that same boss hired him back on the spot. No questions because he knew why he did it. The boss controls the pay, but he don’t control  the times. Everybody has a boss. We weren’t rich or anything, his job was commission based. I think he could’ve made more money with his experience than with this one, but he was loyal. He worked for that same grueling little company because he believed in what they did.He even wanted me to go into it. Called it the family business, even though it wasn’t. So, like a proper fuck-up, I went to all the schools for anything else.

Now, because of what I’ve learned and what I know, his boss thinks I’d be a natural and wants me to work for him. Despite declining several times, he says he’s holding the position for me. But I knew he wasn’t really holding a position, he just made a new one up. So I did what I did best. I said nothing, smiled and nodded like an idiot. I just kept my dad’s house clean. so I could chill with the homies.

My pops is up for retirement though. My first thought was that he’d be home more often, and I couldn’t hang out with my friends. I dunno. He’s very private and has an RV out back. So maybe that for him. I dunno. If only my friends would clean up after themselves, but I don’t wanna be that guy that says that. I wanted to be cool and have them think we hired a cleaner. Or I could just take the stupid job. Maybe rent my dad a new place.

Regardless, retired or not, you’re always looking out for your kids. It’s beyond a full-time job. It’s a forever job, watching them damn kids. Even if it gets you sent away, he always sent something to me and my brothers and sisters. Since I was oldest, I was the most angry at him for not being there. Now that I’m old, I see why he did what he did. That’s one tough motherfucker.

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sour silk.

man, i’ve always looked at my life and thought it a shit show, My love life, a horror show. but everyone walked away vibrant and happy. Like my good luck went to people i loved. They’re successful, in love and some even have kids on the way. It’s like I sucked up all the bad luck from them. Kinda like a vampire. But I ain’t that kinda vampire if you’ve ever met me, the sort that steal your lust for life from you. It looks like i suck. But I suck those terrible thing, those fearsome things so that you can become who you were meant to be, purely. In a way, vampires exist. And I love you so I sucked so hard. haha, I don’t have long to live, but all the years I don’t live, I give to you.

Yes it’s scary knowing you’re a cancer that’ll be cured, but it’s all perspective isn’t it? My cousin’s are fear and loathing but you’re better than they are. My god, you have no idea how beautiful you are to me. So yeah. I heard you. I’m gonna do everything I can so you can be with your friends. Personally, I think if you love people as much as I think you can, they become your family too. I’m tired, yallz, and I want to stop sounding like an idiot, but I won’t. Buy us a drink if you see us wobbling  in. Stewie walks wearily down the street with his brim pulled way down low.

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