you know that feeling you get when nothing seems to go your way and no matter what you try to do to turn things around, it only seems to make things worse? geeze, i think i read too much into that whole, ‘the universe is subject to our perspective’ kinda thing. it’s like i outsmarted myself into psyching myself out of something before something ever happened. for some odd reason, it’s difficult for me to accept that i can’t please everybody. i wonder if that’s selfish or selfless now and then. i haven’t been able to write anything let alone speak aloud without worrying about something i say backfire. then there’s that spiraling mindset that has me considering the consequences of my actions, which in turn, prompts me to see consequences for every choice i consider. and the tough part is when i decide on something for my own sake. i don’t want to let anyone down. maybe i’m afraid to.
i wonder sometimes, well i wonder a lot, and the thought that i’m being punished for something i did or will do keeps creeping up on me. it’s like a chess game and i’m playing with a version of me that’s come and gone, or even yet to come. y’know that whole ‘you’re your own worst enemy’ bit. but it’s different. it feels like everything i’ve ever witnessed or experienced in life, songs, movies, conversations with strangers, graffiti, stickers at bus stops, the way someone’s desk is arranged, the all of it feels like it’s catching up, and something big is gonna happen. or little. to feel big and small simultaneously, hurts. which sorta explains why i’m so afraid to let anyone down. at my own expense even. sometimes it feels like i’m not so alone, that i’m being helped, but they can’t just come out and say it straightforward. well that or i’m just too slow to take the hint.
why? why am i? so afraid of wishful thinking? why was I? broken hearts at a young age cuts like glass all around. the most tragic romantic is the one that believes a broken heart is akin to the end of everything. scientific theorems, even the expanse of time and space can’t explain why grief is so alluring. magnetic even. maybe it’s in the water. maybe the air. maybe grief imprints something in us like when you look at a bright light real quick with our pupils and close your eyes.
i’m not sure if i still have a broken heart. i know i’m alone but not really.
“endless pain to prove I lived? to prove meaningless, not mindless.” -somebody
i don’t know how the deal works, as i’m sure many before me had no idea how the deal worked. we were given enough to believe, but not enough to say no thank you. That’s the thing about us puny humans isn’t it? that we’re so gullible, so easily lead along. it isn’t the faith that the baddies wanted to rupture, the faith was always there, it was a matter of which way to tilt the faith. that’s where the money was. kinda like knowing a horse was gonna run bad before the rider knew it was gonna. it’s just business, we’ve been doing this a long time, they surmise. and they have.
atheists, you have it easy. i like ya, but you’re that friend that’s gonna come back asking for notes of that lecture that don’t mean anything. and vice versa. i get it. everyone gets it.
science is not the top tier of knowledge. it’s like saying seeing is believing.
name one example where what you saw was NOT what was actually happening. just one. there’s a demographic here e’erbody been ignorin’.
hello! meet the new boss, same as the old boss. you and i, we’re the same, hopes, dreams and the ambition of which to achieve them! hang in there!
but if you don’t feel that way. that’s okay too. because we’re only the same in name only. we’re really just glorified cybernetic androids so advanced that we’re more like bionetic androids. where did he come up with this crap?! well, i didn’t. it’s in this pool of consciousness we happen to share, that’s why all our ideas seem the same, seem regurgitated, baby birds, and somehow right on time. think of the human body as a PnP device for souls to come in and out of. we have our base programs to let us run as nps’s but every now and then we get a stroke of genius.
so feel bad if you want for what your life is amounted to, or feel proud for the things you’ve done. i just wanted to solve the case.
“…that it’s no sacrifice because the price is paid
and there’s nothing to grieve.
there’s always something more and something new, so i’ll keep writing. there’s always some shit going down in the pool. ironic because my favourite story’s always been about the one where i almost died at 8 when i first learned how to swim. my pops just threw me into the pool. patterns indeed become our prison bars, but they’re also clues. The price i paid to learn this… i don’t recommend it, unless you’re like me. i came, saw, and concurred… welcome to the hughmanfarm.
i miss you. i really do. the only way to win, is to rebel. i don’t mean viva la revolucion! i mean we must always remember to rebel against those many things society tells us is normal. i have never once met a normal person in my life so why is it we’re okay for them to scrutinize our kooky ways. it ain’t bad to be normal, of course not, but not at the cost of alienating our friends. rebel, and have kookies, it’s modern guerilla warfare.
i want to apologize these days for being so flippy floppy. but it’s like my mind isn’t my own anymore. sublet-ed by out-dated ideas and the current social need for survival in all its grandiose illusions. honestly, i’ve tried really hard, (but not hard enough you f*ckin’ pussy) to end it all. i think i’m just more curious than suicidal, and if that won’t cause the end of your world by accident, then you don’t know me. i’m the king of heartbreak. but only in the, oooooh that’s funny after a stretch, but the rest of us are grinning because, of course!
i like the end of the world scenarios. however it happens. the ekpyrotic one, the simulation one, the universal engine one- and i’m not saying it in a way that i’m just ready for everyone including women and children to just cease, but in the way that’s more like, I get it. Everyone wants to live. imagination is as close to reality as you can dream. but there’s a trick. of course i don’t have proof. if i had proof, do you really think this conversation would be happening?
you can read this all in the book i’m probably not going to write, becoming a god, for dummees. what day is it today? 3/28/17. 10:28 as i look. my current plan is to do the absolute worst things i can imagine for myself and pay little to no regard to humanity and even close friends. the trick is, that i’ve already started doing that, and you’ll notice if you skip backwards a few pay-periods of everything i’ve ever done… that you’d notice. teehee.
but to all you tricksters and magicians still kicking around out there… you can’t top this one. this isn’t a trick that took years. it’s a trick that took lives, and ya know it. don’t. sstop reading. matter-o-fact speaking is manipulation to what your most comfortable with. ease it in. sex joke. you listen to that with no reserve, they have you already. ready. no way to win. i can’t win. loser. sabotage. both sides now. all these things ya seen heard and learned. was it a trick? why is the timing so on point, ya cocksuckas!?
the trick is, i’m really working for them. and for free.
the increase of carbon monoxide is connecting us to the spiritual world. the rise of all these spiriual gurus, schizophrenia, depression, denials of depression and pushing through it all day by day. i’ve been wanting to connect spiritual studies with science, and that will happen one day. i keep making ties and sure they could be proven wrong one day, but you can’t ignore the numbers.
treat your body right, or as best you can, where you live right now probably can’t avoid the (CO). observe, asses, change or adapt or adjust. i’m not saying there ISN’T a spiritual world, but we’re inching closer in our time, which is strange. the veil is thinning and it’s hard to hide. we’re so reluctant to listen. nobody wants to change the books on it cause it makes humanity nervous. powers that be tremble at the thought of losing control. well, if you struggle with wondering whether or not you’re losing your mind, you’re halfway there. so what’ll it be? chaos? work together? immovable object vs. unstoppable force. i just wanted to know everything so i can make better jokes, but sometimes i get these flashes of humanity and i wanna say something in an offhand way to inspire. mostly i just want to laugh.
the thing is, i never want to hurt anyone. if i seem cruel at times, it’s because i’m helping you to see the different sides. your open mind lets you reason, and if you give up that, if you stop laughing, i’ll just have to go away.
78 different organs in the human body, 13 categories, 5 bosses. There’s a whole universe within you. figuratively, too.
not knowing whether or not something is real isn’t the scary part, not caring whether or not something is real is. these are the first steps into creating your very own chia pet. i prefer designation through the greek alphabet, but color coded is easier because it’s much easier to map the area of the brain that associates colors. think of those areas as rooms, and the different personas as the roommates inhabiting them. now imagine those different personas as different characters in your t.v. shows. you have the cute one, the manly one, the smart one, the comic relief, and it goes on and on for about a half dozen rounds. stop. wait. listen. the dynamic is the same in all the shows. it’s conditioning, and marketed as artistic. genius. no one saw it coming because it was believed art and it’s endeavors were believed incorrigible.
sitting around and waiting for the revolution, well y’know, we’re all gonna change the world. and on their terms. smoke and mirrors, baby. you haven’t even seen how fast 5g can work. you won’t be able to tell the difference from pre-recorded feeds from live feeds. bold new world.
have you felt like everything’s just related to you, lately? maybe for a while. that idea you had a while ago that’s now a t.v. show… oh you know it doesn’t feel right, but you don’t know how to say, “that’s crazy!” anymore. you just think, “oh well, it happens all the time,” now.
maybe this is all a dream, and i’m in a coma and everything’s a clue left behind by my time-travelling friends but time-travelling sounds crazy because everything in this world wants to live. but who knows how to wake up besides suicide?
so strange that i feel i’m becoming one with the creative power of the inhabitants of this planet. everything i say or do seems like it was predetermined and the things i’m about to do were said to have been done a long time ago. of course i’ve no fucking idea what that means! but what i do is everything that was said to be done by me. take a step back.
how do you think it feels if you were so convinced this was a place that required your introspectiveness to decide things, to make the decisions you would make and shit and realize that free will was a joke from the beginning. but free will isn’t a joke. it’s a maximum calculation that can deduct anything. everything. i may just be an instrument of your impending doom in the most civil manner, but don’t think i have no idea what it has in store for you. the universe is about balance and an unstable person like me has so much to be made up for. i don’t wish for your deaths. i really don’t. but… really, i never did. …it’s just you all asked for it. …
the shit part is, i’m going to be the only person that knows. because you’re all going away to some better place that i can’t go to. but i’ll say this in so much reverberated anger, i won’t be there. i need you all to have a really good time, without me.
…i really wanted to be just like you.