it’s only a paper moon

the things that bother a person about other people only weighs down the person it bothers. the complaint itself is a reflection of what a person doesn’t like about themselves, therefore comes around. the more intensely something about someone else is denied, the heavier it is, and guess what, you’re the only one it sinks. you scold your own shadow. for instance, i didn’t like the injustice that happens to good people, yet i couldn’t say that i didn’t like injustice that happens to bad people, which in itself ain’t just. i was an unjust person complaining about injustice, and it only showed how dishonest i was. only to me. tangible things have a way of manifesting physically as i often got lied to. however, with more intangible things like emotions, i.e. i didn’t like how unlucky i was in life, but i also didn’t acknowledge how lucky i really was. how sad i was vs. how happy i didn’t believe i was- these things that affect only you are able to be chosen. it’s hard to do on paper, but much simpler than you’d like to believe in practice. when it comes to you, running away from negative aspects that are there, won’t get you very far. (i have this recurring dream of running from something scary, but no matter how hard i ran, i never made it anywhere.) avoiding it weighs you down, and you won’t even know you did it. same goes with the positive aspects. one of those is near invisible to you, doesn’t matter which. but ignorance of at least one doesn’t mean it isn’t there, it’ll only hurt you out of the blue. that’s how a depression begins, and it’s a funnel.

we’re so used to being put down and putting others down that we can overlook the good qualities about ourselves and in others. sometimes it feels good when we’re being downers and when we’re downed and that should already be cause for concern. it’s feeling good through negative means, and we just perpetuate it all around, not even batting an eyelash at the cost. of course that doesn’t mean you can’t joke around with others that are doing it with you. joking around often helps point out the things about you that you didn’t catch but that’s because there wasn’t any malicious intent. i do it plenty myself, and get it done to me often enough to know it helped in the long run. being truly mean also works too, but that’s a hard fall to recover from especially if neither side wants to apologize first. i’m not going to tell you how to treat others, that seldom works but i will implore you to treat yourself how you want to be treated first. i don’t think you need mantras or self help books, dumb people (like ME) simply don’t understand how much power we really have, and could use all the help i can to remind me to be kind to myself before i can truly be kind to others. (i do sort of read self help stuff because it’s really hard for me to be honest to myself. Making the effort is only the scariest thing, to see i’m actually capable. it’s a strange thing to familiarize myself with.)

treat yourself honestly, and accurately, and in turn you’ll reach someone, and that’ll transpire further, like a cancer. you can have doubts about that. the tiniest things we do for ourselves than to ourselves may not seem like a big deal on paper, but i’m sure that in time you’ll realize just how mammoth it really is. you can have doubts about that, too. It means nothing if you refuse to see how your world reflects you. I don’t know too many people that really wants to see what they really are. me included. I simply want to earn being called a human. it’s something most people i know of take for granted. it’s something earned. I know i’ll never be the most awesome human being, but like i said, making the effort is the hardest part… but i might come close. why not give the world something good to reflect, even if it’s just for your eyes only. try it, because you’ve already tried the other way. if it don’t work, go back. but don’t estimate yourself, though, nobody needs to do that. you can if you want, but eh.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Something Olde, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue, A Sixpence in your Shoe

so i have this theory that we hurt women when we objectify them in the ways that we do. even the little things us men do when we lust after them or look at them like pieces of meat. and of course, when we masturbate to them. i’m guilty of course. we do it all because it’s simple to be dog-brained. eat the whole piece of bacon rather than to appreciate the bacon. not that there’s anything wrong with dogs, they’re wonderful creatures, but impatient. it’s an unattractive trait most people have, and is dealt with through patience. these are traits that women don’t have. i don’t mean girls, because becoming a woman is a TON of work. they, excuse me, but really put the ass in class. So my theory is that on some ethereal level, our mindsets can really affect things in our universe, like there’s a war of balance and it can manifest from the very things we think. it’s whites vs blacks, dogs vs cats, and ultimately men vs. women. Why is it that in all our history books, the root of evil come from man? why was it never said to start with women.

well for the simple fact that i’m not talking literally about men and women. As you can tell, we’re people, and the fight for equality and balance goes beyond that of the physical. Women have always represented the creative spirit, the wisdom and grace of life. while men are really more attributed towards more chaotic and destructive powers. when parents have sons, they want them to be powerful and great in life, but with daughters, seldom does that mindset apply. we want our daughters to be happy and to discover love. we of course want the best for our children. but in this world, we often forget some parents don’t have both. the simple event of not having causes strong feelings to stir. and somehow along our human timeline, we attributed heroism with masculinity. and heroes are looked up to. but behind every fighting man is a woman. i mean that in the sense that even men can have this creative spirit, wisdom and grace of life. But in my instance, I forget that and hold myself to an ideology that has perpetuated itself into the imbalance we see in the news, in our neighbors, in our countries. even the earth is getting warmer. again, for all intensive purposes, i didn’t mean men vs. women, but the charge that accompanies those simple words. we have to remember to think with our wisdom filled brains than to think so simply with our penises. and yes that applies to women too because thinking with your penis simply means you’re not thinking of the other side of the argument. hmmm, maybe i should’ve started with that instead of dragging you through that, that men and women thinking with more base and carnal thoughts trims away our humanity. of course this is just a theory, you’d have to believe you were a real human being with many facets in and about your life that you care about.

I used to say the trick to life is to not care, but that’s not true. not caring is escaping that little thing that’s harder for us to do. and it’s to come to terms with how cold we can be sometimes. we’re human, we fuck up, and then we put on a tough face, because we’re tough. but secretly, i think we’re a little more than human, because we feel it in our guts that it isn’t right to be so cold to someone else. sometimes we feel like it isn’t fair that we have to put on a tough face because we’re mistreated. why can’t justice be fast, exact, and direct! what the F*(&E)(#(&#$*&!!! -well, ladies and gentlemen, i redirect you from here back to what i said about patience. The strongest display of patience i’d seen, and not many have really brought up, probably because we’re jerks, is… and i don’t wanna sound like a hippie but i will, is mother Earth. think about it. she has put up with our crap for millenias, and just had this, kids will be kids attitude. but check it out, and you can be as blind as you will but if you don’t see her getting pissed and up to her limits with us and our bickering… if you don’t see how things are going awry in the solar system and maybe even the milky way…. then you better ask yourself whether or not you want your own children to treat you the way you treat her. you’re all a buncha dicks, really, but it doesn’t have to be this way. it starts with a thought. and she’ll know. she’s your mother.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

stuck in the middle with you

martyr’s are silly gooses. dying for what one believes in and itself is a selfish act because it doesn’t include everyone. if the world is your enemy why alienate yourself further with a religion that excludes many. life itself is a religion and in that we are all together. i spent a majority of of conscious life trying to bind everyone together whether through a mutual belief or through a mutual pain, and what i found is simple. no one will be happy. everybody is much to stern on the things they believe than to be more like the one thing that binds us. even the things unseen. water, fluidity. the ability to be a simple river stream and that same ability to be a hurricane. if the word of god is in the wind, then it is ever changing for every individual. moral ethics is but another channel that restricts us. for example, i am kind, but in order for me to be kind to all i must include myself. and in this world where the world begins with each individual, you must serve yourself. like that dude jesus said, he  won’t help those who won’t help themselves. and that’s just the jumping off point. once you learn how to live your life without the expectation of being judged, then you are living. we keep scores on ourselves and we hurt when something happens that’s undeserved. everything is deserved, and your freewill dictates how deserved something is.

this life is a song, and all the little things and people in our lives both big and small are instruments and notes. it’s your song, so let it play for you, in all your awful glory.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

and from the beginning.

whoa that’s impressive. i didn’t think you could do that, you really went ahead and shut us right up with your wfeat of rebellion. you understand law is law right? just is just. don’t worry, it isn’t like the public court system. it’s better, unfailing and has never ended in disappointment. even you’ll feel it is correct. you see, you’ve done everything that’s been planned out for you to do. you’re whole existence. and you followed every step of our rhythm, obediently. i’ll admit, there were times where i thought, ‘oh shit, i think she’s gonna do it it,’ and then you didn’t. phew. a sigh of relief was had by all. if it makes you feel any better, we were all betting on you to lose. ALL of us. that’s why hope was never released from Pandora’s box, you could say. Any notion of hope you had in life was plotted to make you believe you had hope. And it’s no fun if you don’t believe you had hope. and it’s no fun if you don’t ‘believe’ there was a chance you could win this game. sure, you might think it was no fun knowing exactly what would happen, what you would do, but it isn’t hard to know what a wind up toy will do.

we just wound you up and let you run your course. and now, it is done. there’s no use in trying to fight us, we’re deeple rooted in you. all the deceit you worried about having to keep your guard up constantly, that was a constant, and therefore a part of your nature. going in easy to let you feel safe, building you up to make you feel a warmth, and then letting smacking you down in an instant leaving you in a mess of your own chaos as if the world was ending. not only that, but you let us do it to you time and time again. we soaked up all your emotions like a sponge it was so exciting. you who are beyond prideful and are only in service to yourself. you never wanted to help others. you only pretended, just to trick others into thinking you were a goodly person. but it annoyed a little you every time you did something good. you can’t lie to us, we see through you. as we’ve said everything you see if around you. all those others you thought could help you was just us playing different people. it was so obvious. anyway, i’ll just pull out the sword quickly. no i won’t. i spent a long time planning this and i’ll be darned if i’m not going to enjoy this. i’d like to offer my condolences to everyone just tuning in, but here (s)he is. the little soteiro you’ve been waiting for. and again, he loses for everyone. he’d cry if he could but he hasn’t had a heart in a long time. not in the sense you think, he never had one in the beginning. because he’s a figment of my imagination, and so are you all. nobody’s real.
the wheels spin and the souls from on and on and on look on in silence. not one whimper, and not one gasp, and not a single tear was shed. not for the end of that pitiful soul. but for respect, adoration, and love of her. they knew she had lost and that nothing could be done, but they knew that she had known all along she would lose. they all knew she didn’t think she would win, her thoughts were never her own. they knew she didn’t believe in her heart she would win for it was fact she had no heart to begin with. they sat in silence, unmoved because in the last few moments she was conscious of what was happening, she had KNOWED she was going to lose. they all KNOWed. there was nothing unknown by anyone for that brief moment. and as short it was for her at the moment, that brief moment where all was known to the all knowing, skipped a beat. she for the first time, didn’t know what to think. simply waited. not for a hero. no, she knew better. she waited… and waited… and waited… until she took a dump. she woke up to find it wasn’t a bad dream. it wasn’t a good dream. it was just something she saw when she woke up. and she smiled.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

the mountain and the reflection in the lake

i love to love but, gee, i’d sure hate to lose it when i got it. there hasn’t been enough emphasis on being neutral. and how very okay that is. those all about love new agers are setting the bar so high it’s unreasonable. cultic. how on earth do you send light and love to people? even jesus didn’t talk about love like that. one must first do the great work on oneself and understand what is light. more importantly, as it would often be brushed off, one must understand what the darkness is. just pretending it isn’t there, along with all the things that go bump in the night, don’t mean it ain’t there. if one so chooses they must fight the darkness with light, one must understand the enemy. that’s just common sense.

it isn’t about saving the world. gotta start by saving yourself first, but you must understand what you’re saving yourself from. only then, and if we all do our part, we can start saving the rest of this dump little by little. focus! as carl Jung once said, “no tree grows to heaven without having roots that reach hell.”

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

onwards and forwards!

it’s here, a new year. maybe things’ll be different, better or worse- i’ve never known the good and bad times to keep a schedule. forget about the rest of the world and focus on yourself and the livin’ you wanna get done. how in the world can that be selfish if the rest of the world wants nothing to do with you? we’ve all got more strength in ourselves than we realize. we often forget that because pretending not to see the good things about ourselves is easier, faster, safe; so we end up locking ourselves accidentally in a prison of our patterns.

you’ll soon realize you locked yourself inside and for no actual good reason. you’ll laugh at yourself and start looking for the key and end up smackin’ yourself on the head cause they were in your hands the whole time.

hurry up! everything’s waitin’!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

happy enchilada

so it’s the end of the year. it’s been shit. 365 days of battle. Some are looking forward to the next year, in hopes it’ll cum with better luck all over us. Some of us are doomsday prepping, i got a few cans of tuna. some beans. i ain’t got nothing, but you can always have half. the USA election has a few people down. but it also has a few people glad. you can’t win in politics because there’s no right side. just a majority agreement or something like that. but we can’t even agree that all of humanity are bros and hoes, chicks and dicks, all family. so, meh, go fuck yourself. (i did this morning, raging morningwood but you’re only half curious about that.)  BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!! follow me!

to this here next paragraph. let’s talk about god. upper case lower case, he doesn’t care, and don’t worry, i don’t mean talk about god as in talk about scripture or scrolls or whatevs. emerald tablets, haha. and I know i said he but that’s because he’s a dude. however, he is nominally comfortable with his femininity and embraces it. killer with the ladies, chivalrous, but never gets anyone’s phone number. and forget about his goddamn race!!!!!!! …he doesn’t even know what he is. but boy or girl, black or white, he never gave a flying fuck about that stuff. what else? His name. whatever you think it is, forget it. he’s gone by so many different names, over the years that it really doesn’t matter. Truth is, he doesn’t know how to pronounce his real name. The god given one, haha. “…just rounded it off,” he says, “i think.”

okay, that paragraph was his primer. I met him at a booth where people went to get their shoes shined. he was getting his shoes shined, but there wasn’t anyone working there. I think the booth was just a fancy display, but there he was, just shining his shoes in the booth with half of a napkin that used to be whole, and 99 cent shoe polish i’m sure he got from the dollar tree across the street. he decided to shine his shoes because that morning, he remembered he was god. like, not a god, but god-god. says he never liked standing out like a sore thumb so he always tried pretending to be cool, kinda like all of us try to do. one of the boys, one of the regular patrons at a bar, the guy that everybody says ‘hey’ to at that shitty kickback because he’ll include you in obscure conversations. But he’s also been that dude that took the LA metro for 4 hours in the wrong direction because he was high, the guy that blacked out on a church bench before the AA meeting started, and he’s been that guy that forsook a child that may or may not have been his kid. for that last one, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be there for that kid, it was that he wasn’t allowed to, but he’s reached out several times. Some things, you can’t just barge into, gotta be subtle, non-invasive. Patience, by Guns N’ Roses. (side note, he doesn’t really know jesus too well, they’re never really been acquainted, and he joked saying, “i hear good things about him in this life, i think some of it’s bullshit, but hey, they thought i created everything in a week. like, without a break in between tasks. break on the last day, pfft, you know how stressed you’d be if you worked a 24 hour shift for 6 straight days? and THEN create hours right after? like stubbing your big toe in broad daylight. So yeah, if Chewy was half as dope as they made me out to be, then he’s alright, but he coulda been me too. or not, i just remembered i was god this morning. maybe that’s why i couldn’t come over. i was already down, wasn’t i? semantics. bad timing. you know what’s funny is yallz thought i was finished creating everything. it’s a work in progress, and i could use the help. i think i just took a smoke break, checked out how everything was going before i clicked submit. bad timing.”

His boots were old, brown shoelaces on one, and black zipties on the other. It looked like he was tired of pretending to be cool. or maybe he was just always cool. i shared some of my beef jerky and jim beam i had in a flask in my bag. as we split in different directions he notes that he realizes there is a high probability that i will think his entire story crazy horseshit but thought i was alright that i shared food and drink with him anyway. But honestly, had i told him the truth, he’d probably have considered me to be horseshit crazy. i believed his every word. maybe i’m gullible, but his shit’s just as credible as other shit. and myths and legends start off with a little bullshit right?

just before he disappeared to who knows where, he shouted, “Just because the timing is bad sometimes, doesn’t mean it’s wrong! You know how we do!”

shit, that’s good enough for me. well, i guess what i’m saying is, you don’t need to belong to a church to be alright. that dude strived just to be alright. you don’t need to pray to shit, or do weird shit like that. just believe. I don’t mean in god, you can if you want to, I didn’t leave his name for a reason.

But believe in Yourself first and foremost. you’re a grown up and don’t need your hand held by your folks or some dude that may or may not be our progenitor from the heavens or Ohio. i know you can make it. You know you make it. you don’t need a comment from god to proceed, he’d probably troll you. they say god is a jealous god, but i don’t think it’s because of other gods. i think it’s because you can more easily doubt yourself rather than love yourself. probably jealous of doubt, which has powers like a god. i’ve seen self-doubt debilitate people, myself included. to doubt rather than to love yourself is to doubt his greatest creation right? even god wouldn’t say he was perfect, he’d say he was alright. there’s a little bit of god in all of us. whatever that means.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized