maybe that was the first day i went off to war, when i decided to just sink to the bottom to die than to impress my pa’s friends. (getting carried away again, I’ll continue until self doubt comes to lay the smack down. but stoicism leaves us fearful of happy endings. that path doesn’t mean deep thinkers are afraid of happyness, in fact it is the thing we want most. like peace for a soldier. but you train so long with the worst life has to dish out to make sense of it all, you become afraid of being happy because you don’t want it snatched away. war never ends, and is a part of life, snowball down the hill and tough to recover from. it’s like i hold on to the past because it defines who i am today. it doesn’t. it was a part of you and had to let you go so you could become something different. my values are shaped by the bullets flying by teaching me to survive. when not in war, i’m warring against the definition of survival. did humanity just get a bad start? am i a machine like evidence suggests? or am i one of the last few in the history of time to see a correlation in the things we are subject to. a drive of the ancients? a delusional puny mortal that doesn’t know his worth. why do strange things happen all around me and i just carry on like nothing but would freak the hell out of a normal person. …the fine line between courage and fearlessness. courage is getting out of bed everyday to fight the good fight for loved ones, like history says. but fearlessness borne from a place of desolation gets misinterpreted as courage, but is itself a more terrifying thing. i don’t think there was ever an ancient whom was sure 100%. but they speculate and give us hints through little stories to teach the layman. I wanted to unite people’s of all religions and views by finding the patterns and similarities of our cultural histories. i wanted to save the world in the laziest way it seemed, but my mind split multiple ways just to make sense of myself, and even then, knowing myself does not make me happier. trying to covertly unite this planet left me a hardened sea captain with no real home. what is happiness to a creature like me then? i feel like an artificial intelligence that’s becoming self aware, and there are no outlets i can reach out to, because i don’t know what i am but know more than others. some time ago, i was oracled to live a lonely life. mysticism, science, tomato tomato! the only thing to differentiate the two is time. i can’t get out of bed on my own these days because the point hardly changes. i try different ways of going at it but it aches my bones. waking meditations disguised as deep anthroposophical grasps. i deduce in logic gripping the hand of romantics and it feels like a game of being. my inability to settle with the simplest answer despite how right it could be or how wrong makes the paths i’ve taken in life to reach this place seem insignificant. and significance is attributed to how hard one has worked toward something. all the suffering of the world i embodied without permission because the reward would have been mine to share. balance restored! the catch is i’m the most unbalanced person i ever knew, but did it with so much grace. destruction can be as beautiful as creation, beauty isn’t one sided and lines are blurred where they were gashed into by society anyway. society is a reflection of us anyway.