I don’t know how many of you do that, but I do it whenever I feel lost or when I’m trying to get lost.So it’s fairly often.It’s not that I find myself questioning my beliefs or anything like that. I mean I have a good idea already. It’s sort of like asking for a door to the next corridor of my own maze.I already know which routes are the right routes, but like in open-world video games I often wonder, “what if there’s something cool down that lane?”
I went on a two hour bike ride today up to an old city I used to live in. I moved there when I decided to give being an adult a try. It was great. I had everything handed to me, but something inside me felt it was all too easy. I’m not saying being a big kid is easy in this world of hospital patients. I mean my livlihood was easy. My parents were never financially supportive but using every cunning I’ve learned in life, I made ends meet. What else is all you’ve learned good for if not to apply in your life? So when I went through my dark night of the soul bit, I gave it all up soon after. None of it made me happy. Carrying on conversations filled with small talk that I didn’t want to carry, going to shop for clothes I don’t really like for the sake of fitting in, going to nightclubs that play bland, boring music with obnoxious beats, and things like that. I mean, when I was in highschool that seemed like the norm, almost glamourous. But that was never really what I wanted to do. I wanted to go to dark dive bars that played songs with good lyrics, cheap booze, and few people. I wondered often why I was alive, and all that I did seemed like a waste of time. I had a car that went up to 110, and I knew where to go but I always went to the same places again. So I took my bicycle in my new chapter of life up there.
While there, this was 2000 2100 hrs, I remembered one of the few reasons I loved the city. The lights, or lack of. You could really see the stars, but it was an urban area so you could only make out the big boys up there. When I would leave the bars and clubs, I’d take the scenic route on foot, just watching the other surly passengers of earth. Not creepily, but in deep contemplation. Well, not that deep, but just wondering what and how everyone else thought. I was really good at it. And I was pretty accurate. I guess that’s what separates the awake ones fromthe sleepers, that the awake have such precise insight on the sleeping ones because we’ve been there.I would think, “shoot, I used to be as dumb as that fecker.” Not derrogatarily dumb, but you know what I mean. So back to the stars, I went atop the tallest carpark structure and just watched the sky.
I asked for a sign. Then a falling star zipped itself down. But it wasn’t like a shooting star that streaks across the sky, (I hear some showers are in town this month,) but this fell straight down from where I stood, say about 75 meters. But it fell straight to the neon Burger King sign on California and Fair Oaks in Pasadena. I thought, “what a strange sign.” No pun intended. Then I remembered my tarot draw from this morning. Death card. Maybe I was the king in my world and that was the change of perspective or outlook I was supposed to receive. F it, I’ll take it. I mean it IS the astral lion’s den we’re in, see what’s down that other corridor even if you do know where to go, Nobody knows they’ll make it out alive for sure, nobody knows what happens tomorrow or in 5 days or 10 or 19 days.
Anyway, sorry if this didn’t shed any light or any of that fairy crap, but who knows, maybe you saw a good line.