Monthly Archives: October 2012

Oh, S.

I was young. Much younger, but in a way I was a much older than I was today. It wasn’t as though I had gotten dumber, but more so that I am able to see things with a fresh set of eyes. What do I see? Perhaps the error of my ways, as though I were a fickle harlot of a woman that want able to discern a good thing when it rested in my lap. But you know what, it didn’t kill us. In many ways we’re different people now, and are closer than we’ve ever been. Or spirit’s still have the same flavor, but i’m wrapped with flashier colors and with features that entice children at first glance. It’s nothing to make a big deal about because it’s what’s inside that counts. Better yet, it’s the symbolism of whatever it is inside and the way it makes us blossom at the wink of an eye that counts. I should have been better to you, that’s a given now, but is it really something to stop the world from spinning to melt with me over? You were always the strong one and deep down, I’m just someone you wanted to wear matching crowns with. Beneath the crowns, the ornaments, we’re two blinking lights in the midnight sky. Well, I’m the wayward ship. If you throw a tantrum, or if I do, we’ll just feel dumb about it later and do it all over again anyway. Let’s face it, babooshka, we want to be with one another. We ache for that feeling for only we can grant it to one another. Money, isn’t as necessary as I used to believe it was. What was really necessary, what was truly important and what was majestically magical, was the fact that we were, are and will always be the two parts to that single heartbeat. The most harmonized notes I’ve ever felt played. Even seen! Whatever you want to do, do it. I’m always going to be right behind you. But if you’re going to be with me, and we sort of wasn’t this to work- things are going to have to start changing. And ease up on the riddles, fancypants, I haven’t even touched my morning coffee yet. No more secrets. You know what I mean. And no more scarring the shit out of me, blockhead. Well, I know you like to keep me surprised, but ease up on me! I’m trying to keep up with you of all the assholes on this planet. But before I forget, I love you. I’ll be holding your hand and looking into your loving blue eyes as soon as I can scrounge up enough change for a ticket, but if you really can’t wait… Well, c’est la vie… Right? I was really looking forward to kicking ass with your connections, I’m being honest, but I know you’re a busy body, so go do what you gotta do! šŸ™‚ you know where I’ll be. Sorry it took me so long, but you know how I shit question marks and snack on twinkies with innuendo fillings like there’s no tomorrow.

ā€I’ll do loss of things for love, but I won’t do that.ā€ Rather, can’t. You’ll physicality have to marionette my muscles to do it. I’m not as ruthless as I used to be. (I.e. lessons learned. Well, I delegated my authority anywho but who’s keeping score?)

P.s. I’m out in the elements because I don’t even want to knock on my roommate’s door. Ily, jerkface.

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dancehall deceit

It’s 12:21 on the 22 of the 10th month. Yesterday was the 21st day of the 10th month in the year 2012. Yesterday, on the southern California coast, an gloomy overcast dominated the atmosphere. I don’t think it matters where you are when an overcast dominates the skies because you’re either in the gray of the day or in florescent lights of a shack of sorts. They’re about the same in terms of luminescence. Maybe it’s the mercury.

But yesterday was so terribly gray that even the leaves on all the flora seemed to be debating whether or not retaining their greenish hue was worth the effort. Today, at 12:21p.m. The light of the sun ricocheted off every reflective surface, through to my corneas before I was even able to seize a step out the door. I had to squint today. Squint! I had to self-motivate, yesterday. That’s quite a jump. Those acts aren’t even on the same plane, though they still had my best interest in common. I have to motivate myselfon gloomy days because the world looks devoid of beauty; of life. I have to squint on sunny days because life can be blinding. That’s ‘blinding’, with an ā€Lā€.

What gets my goat is the notion of our best interest when it comes to matters of light and night. Or shadows and reflections. Or better yet, who was the dildo that dictated what our best interests actually were? That jerkoff got my goat.

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Ʀ

I set black fires.

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Breaking the first heart

while your heart is breaking, and you think, no… feel it’s the end of the world, then let it break. let your heart shatter into splinters and shrapnel, and KNOW that your heart is going to shatter like glass. It’s just gonna happen. You must allow that to happen. Until your heart is finally burnt to a crisp, shattered into sooty powder; until you can’t even hold up a piece of a shard that was your heart. Most people in this situation, go through this. but almost all, hold onto a shard of their heart that was shattered, believing that it could fixed again from that piece. You learn the difference between hanging onto the feeling that was and embracing the feeling feeling that’s left. the phoenix that is your heart ignites once again, the cocoon of your sorrow splits open; because you’ll see that the world didn’t begin and end with anyone else but you. You learn to love again. And the first person you learn to love again, is you. that’s when you remember that you couldn’t possibly have loved anybody else unless you’d loved yourself first. And that means your entire world began and ended with you. The thing is, a shattered heart cannot reflect the wonderful feeling back to us anymore as if it were still in one piece, a shattered heart can reflect nothing.

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