Monthly Archives: August 2010

Stand Before Us

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I wouldn’t even know where to begin telling you the story of where things in my life are placed right now. How about we start off with the simple points? I just moved into a new apartment, inadvertently became a psyche doctor for a new roommate, got wood floors and a second story, puddle pondering the thought of filing for bankruptcy (because English is better spoken with cash,)  and trying to figure out a girl who doesn’t need to be figured out, (which is an oxymoron according to people who know people.)

What kind of psychiatrist has problems that their own psychiatry can solve? All of them, yet they will not allow it. All people are born with an elitist attitude towards themselves, well, not born with but have been conditioned to believe, therefore, our own advice is no good to us. So what do we do about of? What can we do about it? Nothing. Sad to say, but is true. But that, luckily, doesn’t mean we should do nothing. All we can and should do is keep progressing, keep going. And eventually, things will sort themselves out. When you become a better version of your current self, you become more open-minded to the positivity and progression of where your being is headed. I’m a doctor, I know what I’m saying so shut the fuck up.

Don’t question why the wandering wind blows, but question where it is going and where you can pick up the seemingly dissonant draft. The waves in the serene, savage ocean dances with disregard to your needs but you never yell at the sea, why yell at your life? Are they so different? Are we? You’ve got problems and so does the traveller behind you, and guess what, your big problems don’t make you any bigger. You’re the same size as I. So are our wants. Even Daniel Johnston became a worldwide genius in his bathroom.

But if you’re gonna bitch, grab an empty stool and sit right next to the rest of us, I promise we’ll hear it, or better yet, we’ll listen.

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Hokey Pokey

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The lush green leaves and vibrant flowers have dried, browned and withered. Autumn is a symbol in which all walks of life must find symbolism in mortality. It is reincarnation, and though my religion tries hard to debunk this, I cannot help but find it uplifting for I know the successing season is spring, for which the symbolism of life and renaissance follows. This regards everything, though you sit and wonder why malice occurs indiscriminately. Like all things, they too shall pass, and end.

Like trimming a tiny bonsai plant, you always picture what you wish to create, and like reality, the results are never congruent with what you pictured. What results, is what was always supposed to happen. Your bonsai isn’t ugly, it is the way it is. Life is never ugly, it is the way it is. Not unlike a literate or written proclamation you write with a withered lifeless branch on the sandy beach; a wave inevitably comes to rinse it away. Just like bad feelings. And just like the good ones.

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Both Sides Now

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Brainwaves, senses are magical aren’t they? They dictate how you feel about everything. Every time you blink your senses tell you the world disappears, yet you mind already has a presuposition the the world actually has continuity. Reason itself, is in fact, disgustingly beautiful and there’s no way around that.

Speaking of relationships, I’ve spent the last two months scrupulously speaking sweet swaying swivels of words to a person I should not be doing that with while she reciprocated. Her supposed newfound morals and values into peace and serenity into dully ludicrous displays of an exclusive affection swayed me into participation. But in the end, the were still supposed.

I fail to acknowledge her vilification of love every time, and euphamistically wondered why I sweated to things that boiled like heat waves shimmering above the cement on a hot day. I foolishly wore a coat and refused to take it off. Then when I was blessed with a moment of clarity under the shade, the light of reason glowed on me like light through patches of leaves causing a cathedral effect. I was just a didactic idiot rewriting her erasures for her.

I’m seldomly angry in person, but when I am, there’s good resonance for it. I’ve never been one to play games, but contrastingly understand peoples needs to egotistically present themselves like ladies and gentlemen. To be a higher or upper class in opposition to the actual class they’re in, we’re conditioned this way. But when I’m angry, it is most likely because someone has openly taken advantage of someone more infinitesimal, smaller. In this case, it was me, I wanted to be infinitesimal in order to draw out the more honest truths. Confused with naivety, I was fucked in the ass.

Sure I’ve met, kissed, and ravenously eaten out better and more amazing girls, but I’ve always been led on by an irrational sense of pride. This is someone I’ve promised to dedicate myself to and will look for open windows to climb back in, but reason has stated once again, that this wasn’t the same place I wanted to be in anymore. I’m silly, and an ageless romantic but sometimes, I just have to read the newspapers. I’m going to buy flowers for someone more appreciative and real.

(P.s. apparently, being a moron is only okay if you’re beautiful. Oh woe.)

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Non-Sequitur Gumption

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“Oh I love you, even when you’re sick and look disgusting.”

“I know now go! Or you will actually miss the plane!”

*exits* *returns*

“Did I mention that I love you?”

Do you know that question? That question that always surfaces after a break up or a divorce of a supposed interminable bond? The one that goes, “why do I keep falling for the wrong one?”

Not to sound boastful, but I actually know the answer to this one. Deep down, you’re actually crossing your fingers towards the unjust assumption that you’ll be wrong. Somehow, by way of cosmic roulette, they do something with a crystal clear notion of malice, and you ignore it. And everytime they do something that surprises you, even slightly, they end up winning your favor again, and you end up forfeiting the argument you’ve battled on your own that would, to any intellectually capable person can tell, would dictate this person wasn’t right for you. Basically, you come up with their defenses for your arguments.

If this has happened to you, well ive got good news! You’ve most likely discovered that you can hurt and ache in places you didn’t know you could hurt and ache inside you. It doesn’t matter a smidgen how many haircuts you get, or how much you work out or how many times you go out with the intention of belligerent obliteration with your friends. You always end up on your bed with your watery, restless eyes everynight, pondering and deducing every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you’ve misunderstood, and how in the world you managed to convince yourself you were happy.

Allow me to expound, in a way that sounds familiar. Sometimes you can even convince yourself that through their non sequitur responses, they’ll eventually see the light and show up at your door, which is, I’ll tell you now, romantically improbable.

When you’ve gathered enough courage, however, you’ll eventually leave to a new place after all that, however long all that may be. You’ll meet new and wonderful people who’ll make you feel worthwhile again, as opposed to feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And tiny shards of your shiny soul will finally come back. And all those blurry things, the scarring moments of your life you feel were wasted… will eventually fade.

Your tumultuous quips cease, and you start compartmentalizing your life and priorities to suit your own needs, which you’ve neglected for far too long. Before you know it, you’ll be having latenight conversations where ideas float like clouds. Your life will actually be as fluid as when you describe it while half asleep.

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The Modern Age

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Lets change things up a bit. You be the high powered executive woman, and I’ll make curdling creative casseroles at home. We will refuse to get a house and instead focus all the imagination on our apartment loft. Curiously, caringly and creatively assimilate the days of our mothers and fathers into this world’s binary mothers and fathers. Keeping the cellophane grass greener on this side.

Well learn how to cook foods from all over the world with your news networks from all over the world play on the kitchen radio. I’ll do the laundry while you get our taxes done. you read to me in a foreign language, and I’ll refill your wineglass with a smile, not having any idea of what you’re talking about. (I never do, even when you speak in English.)

We’ll go ride bikes through the park on Saturdays and have dinner at Dorsia, because you have the right friends, know the right people. As sure as rainy day porches under a canopy, I know the moments that you’re around are the moments I’ll remember when I get Alzheimer’s.

Then one day things will change, and I’ll have to pretend I didn’t know why. Our bikes collect dust and we’ll go out to dinners for show. That will embody what the moment means.

A marriage of new Spring leaves and Autumn foliage.

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Venomous Postulate

I finally took it off. The ring of hope that never did fit on any of my fingers, but still waiting to wrap itself to reality like a snake upon it’s prey. For a long time, it remained perched upon a cheap second hand necklace chain devoid of what symbolism I had intended to gloss into it. The numbers and results were never in my favor. It was only an ornament that I used to associate with love and hope, but eventually became a reminder of mortality in all aspects.

Did I have the guts to go after something that I thought would mean something to me? Yes. And when I yanked it off my neck like the noose it was, I also realized I had the guts to stop humoring myself. Despair is like rain, and pours over everyone indiscriminately. I know now to always carry a jacket.

I’m, by no means, a seer, but the inhumanity I’ve seen committed by angels can cast dark devious shadows on anyone. Always carry a jacket.

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