Last night I planned a romantic evening with a certain special someone to watch Mars and the moon in full bloom. My date ended up cancelling and favored mimosas instead. The only romantic gesture or even a hint of interest she conveys, is falling asleep to me voice on the phone. I’m a romantic and that was and always has been romantic to me, however, I can no longer deferenciate that gesture from her sleeping with a nightlight on.
It saddens me, but I’m no fool, I just play one on tv. I can see her distancing herself, and my natural response is to fight for the ones I love. Its no fun playing by yourself though. If she truly wants me, then she has to start. Her words have lost meaning, and I can’t feel the warmth. In fact, my feelings for anything are becoming scarce. Vultures circle above me and hope isn’t warranted anymore. Chasing a hurricane, wasn’t an exciting adventure anymore, and it’s already dissipated into a tropical storm.
I was never afraid of being alone, ive been training my entire life. I was afraid of losing feelings for the joys in my life, she had become everything to me. But that girl is slipping as she becomes somebody that I used to know.
I now have a publisher for my book, and I also begin filming a short movie about despair in which I will play the lead. I made a thousand friends last night, and just as easily lost a thousand friends. I care very little about those who come and go, but I will care beyond sunrises about those who’ve hung onto me. The honestly despicable, the brutish idiots, the friends in my life.
(Btw, I enjoyed free colt 45’s and that charming colored girl who sang to me.)
“I love you with all my heart.” That’s one hundred percent according to my calculations. But what others do not know will not hurt them right? Wrong. I know. I feel the pain for them.
yes we can waste more time conjuring solutions to our dilemmas, but conjuring never solved a single thing. It takes action, and grit, otherwise, you’re filled with hot air like those balloons. And I don’t like heights, so I’ll stay on the earthly ground.
Bubbles and confetti once surrounded us all, it brought us higher and higher, but will result in a fall.
I met with a publisher whom I’ve had two meetings with, and she likes the theme of my novel and what ive written so far. Who would’ve thought my debilitating heartache could become profitable? But that’s the thing though, I gave mine away and never got it back, its hollow inside my chest and I’m filling it with warm whiskey and work.
I don’t know where my mind is going these days, but I sure do miss it sometimes.
We all have the ability to break a person down mentally. We can drive a person into a corner and animal instincts take over. Even a fox will chew his own leg off if caught in a trap.
Its not even hard to do, you build them up, then take them down like the Roman empire. We all feel like Caesar when we’re up don’t we? But the fall itself will put a traffic jam in the river Styx. How demented and ruthless we are.
My quiet eyes absorb the beauty in the world as much as it absorbs the putrid. My mind works with my mouth and hands to regurgitated it. Somehow I manage to find even ground and avoid insanity once more tonight. We face reality so we drink to make it pretty as observers. But sometimes we drink too much and become just as defiled.
Yet all hope is not lost, there are some of us born human and raised with passion and in turn, tidy up as much as we can on our planet. Our world. Our domain. We do it all in our owns ways as if to contribute our own colors in this painting we call life. Bless those resilient souls, for, without them, this reality would wither. Say hi to a new face and hold an elevator for someone, we can all go up together.
It is said that without duty, the world would be a verydark place. There are those who are run by passion, and there are those who run in subordination below others. Both have duties but both have different plights. Which are you?
I had fallen into contentful submission against a higher power. My plight and motive were synonomous and fall into one of the five basic human emotions. I didn’t get to where I stand by obeying all five. Methodically utilizing several at a time and sparringly omitting others.
The big question, or I should say statement is; it being human means there’s always chance of errors. Too much or too little passion injected into these five curses will always result in unsavory situations. Getting out of that funnel, more often than not requires something as simple as hope. However, hope, walks hand in hand with despair as a consequence. In theory, walking with hope and your head held high in anticipation means despair is your companion.
Sometimes I wish my mind was as dull as a spoon, but intellect is a companion of doubt. Knowing everything allows you to know and acknowledge the bad as well. Ignorance, however, is a companion of bliss, and makes me wish I was as dull as a spoon.
But without our sense of duty in living the way we do with what we’ve been given, means a heavy disservice to our existence. You’ve been dealt these specific cards, now play the game, and play to win. But remember, everyone loses.
How’s about you tell it to me straight, i like to read but i don’t understand your language.
I wrote Cold Kisses when i came back from Chicago. I couldn’t make it sound right until today
your city smelled like stale cigarettes
he walked with obvious timidness
but you cradled him, as soon as he arrived
in the airport terminal this time
he drowned his eyes in ingenious skyscrapers
while you tighly held his hands
protected him, nurtured him
careful not to expose your clever plans
cheep wine and late night discussions
occupied the night
he was engulfed in your convincing affection
his heart believing it had finally found the light
you had his heart clouded from vision
bribed it’s beating logic
you satisfied yourself and
demented hunger, then wiped your frigid lips
boldly sprinkling flower petals, maniacally grinning
you glided out of sight
somehow you were allowed to know everything in his life.
wear that smile like a warm winter jacket from hughman tango on Vimeo.
i did a vlog! the accent is fake. i’m sorry if it’s really bad. but i have to talk in an accent so as to avoid being completely myself. cause it doesn’t feel so great to be myself right now.
The Union of marriage was always such bullshit. I don’t say that out of spite or anger, I’m stating that as a fact i know and believe. You can’t commit yourself to marry someone unless you know they’re the right person, but then again, you’ll never know if they are. Divorce rates are up to about 50%, maybe more. People are getting divorced before they even get married.
I was engaged, but it should have been a clear cut sign when we had to keep it a secret. I never believed in getting married, but not when i was with her. The way she spoke to me made me believe anything was possible, that everything would be fine in the end, and whenever it wasn’t fine, it was never the end. To all my best efforts in keeping the situation from becoming a pretentious dance, that’s what it became.
You can never marry a person who is younger than you. i don’t mean physically, she was younger, but mentally, i was the younger one. (at times.) we were intellectual equals yet i had a habit of always reducing my intellect around others, in order to make them laugh. i was a jester in the court of society, and i was that way with her too. if ever i made a mistake, that was it. I guess i figured it was the best way a mannequin like myself to convey how much i loved her. T.V. and media gave me false intel. (except 24, which is back on FOX, Jack Bauer is da man.)
These past few days, i’ve been in seclusion and forced to deduce everything at an alarming rate. If you’re too stupid to keep up with me, then i can weed you the fuck out, and not waste my time being dumb with you for your giggles. keep up or keep on walking. Alright, that was a little harsh, laughter is like a drug i need. i can’t explain it, but i have a gift to do that. And will continue to do so. The fact is, i should’ve never been a clownbaby with the person i love. i love everyone, but not like i love and needed her. she kept me from going insane while i danced for people. she kept me.
Now, conflictingly, i’m going to a Dim Mak thing tonight and i’m wondering if i should be dancing, i don’t wanna dance, but with an invitation that says, free vodka, I’m gonna dance my ass off. maybe i’ll get a cool dim mak t-shirt for my extraordinary disco skills?