Monthly Archives: September 2009

pretty pathetic

You should have heard me sobbing
As I drove home that night
Got into bed and stayed there
For days I just laid there
Having been permanently changed
But we won’t get into that now
Let’s take it from the start

You should have seen me smiling
Like the world was mine
She used to call me baby
Softly, sometimes
But if I dwell on those days too long
I feel like my life is over
And that’s no good
So let’s move on

To the part where I begin to sense
Her distance
I panic and hold on tighter
But that makes it worse
How am I supposed to take it
When she said:

“This is something I’m going through,
It’s got nothing to do with you”

I had a special evening all planned out
Desperately determined to reignite
Some spark between us
She had to feel something for me
A love as strong as ours
Doesn’t just go away
You can’t just turn it off
Unless she was lying all those times
But I don’t think so
I really don’t think so
The way she used to look at me
Made me a thousand feet high
The meaning of the word cool
Not the same geek
Who fumbled through his words that night
The ugliest night

I said some pretty awkward things
I got the feeling that she felt sorry for me
I should have seen it was hopeless and left it alone
But I had to go on embarrassing myself

“I miss what we had I need you so badly,
I miss what we had I need you so badly”

I must have sounded pretty pathetic, I know
That’s why I don’t blame her for what she said
But listen to me rambling
We don’t know each other that well
But you’re so easy to talk to
I feel like I can tell you almost anything
I hope I haven’t put you off
I have a tendency to do that
Why don’t I just be quiet?

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a blind person

how much abuse can i naturally take? i know we’re not together, but that doesn’t morally allow you to bang a bunch of dudes under the pretext of, “we weren’t together.” at least, that’s what i’m feeling now, since you just did a photoshoot with a guy yesterday where you were topless, and now you’re doing one with a senior from your college, while giving me one month before you officially allow me to come crawling back to you. excuse me for being so rash and thinking in terms of obviousness.

if this is a test of my trust in you, you’re obviously pushing it incredibly far, and no man can withstand the hurricane winds of that magnitude. perhaps you’re getting what’s due to you because of what i did, which implored you to give me a month before officially being with me again, so you;d have a month to explore or let others explore you. i won’t stand for it, i refuse to stand for it. except i’m incredibly feeble-hearted so i’ll probably crawl back to you anyway…

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wine and roses

‘ll always be a mystery, things happen, things come and go, little things and big. but they’ll never tell you who i am. what will, is how i adapt to them.

i’ve decided to omit drinking from my routine as part of a self improvement pact i’ve made with myself, yet the world without the beer goggles is much uglier than i’ve anticipated. i can clearly see how putrid things are and how the simple things you once believed in have a second prickly, crusty face that isn’t noticeable at first glance.

simple words and promises are for the feeble-minded that aim to appease a part of you that died with the days of wine and roses. that you’ve never been born with, but those days of wine and roses are and have been through.

you gradually discover your buffet plate, in which you’ve been stacking up as soon as you were brought to the table has filled you up long ago. yet you keep eating and gorging the things you know you don’t want to eat. a mutual disgust is shared with everyone else in the line and a choreographed mass vomitting should take place. if not to openly show how everyone really feels.

in the span of a week, i’ve discovered something i was receiving in which no request was made, lost the love of my life, and found out i’m going to die of cancer or a tumor. neither of which would result in flowers and laughter and wine and roses. perhaps to some. i apologize for my cynicism, i’m just purging the filthy ideas inside me.

man came from the sea, and to the sea he will return, enjoy your meal.

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Easy Come, Easy Go

the month of September has brought me strange highs and strange lows, but that’s just the way my love goes,

I spent the best 5 days of my life i will ever spend for a while with my girlfriend. two simple days later, i had a meeting with another girl’s father. i found out that i might be having a baby with this girl. panic-stricken i did the only thing i could think of doing, which was to tell my girlfriend right away. i don’t know why i did that even if the unborn hooligan was possibly not mine. my last physical left me with a simple, “you may never have children,” due to my low sperm count. malnutrition does that to you. but here i am with a possible baby. tomorrow, i have to go to an oncologist to see if i have cancer. i discovered a lump on my back that i researched and i might possibly have malignant melanoma, a form of skin cancer. the death mark four inches from my spine, a baby that might not be mine, and losing the love of my life all in the month of september. with my gracious luck, i probably DO have cancer, that’s just the way my luck works.

i needed support from my girlfriend, first and foremost. i never cheated on her and the child was a result from something that happened before her. but seeing as how she’s young, i understand why she would abandon me at a time like this. that’s fine. but it’s those lovey dovey words she’s said to me all along that make me wonder if any bit of it was real to begin with. then, while she was breaking up with me, she proceeded to tell me that she didn’t know me to begin with.

have my walls been placed too high? is it true that she didn’t know me? have i been a phantom all this time to everyone close in my life? a blank? i don’t even have a name that everyone can call me. the answer is yes. i’ve always been too mysterious for my own good, though it has never been on purpose. i was always in a different fasade and i knew it. i don’t have a self. i was selfless. that’s just the way i’ve always been, but it isn’t the way anyone should be if you’re going to give your heart to someone. but if hearts are exchanged, wouldn’t that have been realized before embarking on such a mischievous journey? friends have been telling me, “you’ll find someone else, she’s not the only girl out there, ” but it’s hard to recieve that when she’s the only girl i’ve ever fallen in love with. everything about her seemed perfect to me; her charms, her vices, her completely. yet she’s young, just starting college and accumulating her life experiences that she’s due. the only thing that bothered me about her, was that she was a bird with unclipped wings. you can’t cage a bird like her, and she was always ready for a flight. her true love is the open skies. and even that, seemed perfect to me.

when i found out i was having a baby, i immediately thought about her and how much it was going to hurt her. and i knew it would snowball into something worse if i were to keep that from her. so i told her. when i did, there were no words after that. just the feeling of deep contemplation and silence. i knew then, that i was going to lose her, the best thing that ever happened to me, and the only person who could really make me feel stupid for losing. “c’est la vie,” i keep telling myself, but what comes to my mind right after that is, will i really just let her go like this? i bought a plane ticket to chicago. even overdrafted my card to do so. my trip was set for next weekend, but i refunded it. i knew i was thinking irrationably and given the current situation, i was in no position to make such decisions. what happens when i fly there? when i knock on her door, when i hold and kiss her. what then? i might still have someone elses child. empathetically, if i was in her shoes, i would not take me back. nor would i even pay attention to me, no mater how much love was exchanged. when i realized that, i knew i had to let her go, let the bird use it’s wings.

she mentioned my alcoholism while she broke up with me.but i had decided to stop drinking when i had inadvertantly forced her to drive the los angeles highway at six in the morning. i haven’t had a chance to show her. she also mentioned i had to get “my shit straight<' but i already have. if this child was indeed mine, i would be there for it, and have absolutely nothing to do with the mother. it would be strictly business, but i know others would never understand. if i was my girlfriend, i wouldn't want to deal with that either, especially with a blank. i would feel less loved and ashamed to help a person raise a child that didn't belong to them. there was no way i could have assured her that she'd be receiving my undivided attention. especially not to a youthful person with success engraved in her nature. a child slows everyone down.

so there you have it, cancer, possible babies, and lost soulmates all in a span of a few days. i think it's safe to say, i'm having the shittiest week ever.

on a side note, she met hugh laurie today. the same day she broke up with me. hugh laurie is one of my heroes. and i now won't be able to hear my girlfriend rub it in my face.

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i was erased as fast as i came along, and that hurts. lots of things hurt right now and i’m kind of hoping i have cancer just to put the cherry on top of the sundae.

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two thirds of people in california are idiots

a few hours before work, i was researching random things, which was my usual routine, and came across this gem; “1 out of 3 students in california can read at grade level.” that’s not to say that the other two thirds can read above grade level. i’ll be the first to admit that i wasn’t raised with a conventional upbringing but two thirds is too many idiots to have in one state alone, in fact, i might’ve been a Colombian Druglord by now or at least Pablo Escobar’s right hand man. the movie Idiocracy starring Luke Wilson doesn’t seem so far fetched. expect the part where someone is cryogenically frozen and thawed several hundred years in the future with Mya Rudolph, but hey, i’ve been wrong before.

as much as i’d like to poke fun at this situation i can identify a sense of urgency when need be. so i signed up with http://www.readingpartners.org. they’ll be setting me up with a local school in three weeks so that i may help some kid one on one in discovering his/her passion of reading. my mornings will be devoted to these children, and hopefully it won’t be a mourning devoted to them not everyone can be lucky and be raised on books and movies. but when most of your peers can’t read 4 simple lines from “Finnegan’s Wake,” you’re compelled to do something about it.

if anything, my morning’s would have been wasted fueling my mild alcoholism. self discoveries can be made at 9 in the morning depending on what’s in your glass at that time.

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Drinking Therapy

Tonight was an overdue outing with the boys. i see them all the time, but there’s just something about getting blasted drunk with people more depressive than you are, and in turn, might even pull you off the edge of that cliff. Doctors and therapists don’t suggest “get drunk, and have fun,” simply because they legally can’t. for obvious reasons, but if done correctly, it’s effects can be gratifying. “take two beers, and call me in the morning.”

I’ve been in a slump lately because my girlfriend’s been away. not to mention physically, 2000+ miles away. mental and emotional distance was bothering me. it’s not very encouraging when she tells you about her having an amazing talk with some guy which resulted in cute funny nicknames like “hubby” and “cowboy,” and you’re left to wonder why you can’t be that guy. i feel as if she keeps me a secret and i don’t blame her. i’m like a filthy child that just walked into a beautiful house after playing in the dirt. there are things about me that some people would just simply not understand. quirkiness, sense of humor, retardation, and a contradicting intellect on par with Rain Man. i can see why i’d be kept in the dark.

I did something i really didn’t want to do, and that was to ask her to change up her internet social profiles to show her fake horny friends she has a boyfriend she loves. it was selfish and pretentious of me, but it would make me feel so much better. being in a long distance relationship means you can’t invite your love to go out with you AT ALL. nor can she meet your friends without having to really get over the awkwardness of orchestration (by calling everyone down here to meet her cause i’ve only got her for a few moments.) you can’t go to the movies, social events, bars or even be seen together. all you have is hearsay you can provide to other people you interact with on a daily basis but it feels almost fabricated. so, conclusively, the internet is where we have our dates and PDA’s (public displays of affections) and etc. but she doesn’t agree. instead, she has this cool i don’t care exterior to her that’s conveyed on her websites, and having a boyfriend is just like owning a pair of rare diamond earrings no one’s seen.

*fun fact: in one of our only two pictures together, she’s on the phone.

but that’s the tip of the iceberg to what bothers me. just the tip. what my main problem is, is i can’t talk to anyone about it. i don’t have a “go-to” person for answers to my questions. i have to rely on myself to find the answers. it’s almost like a constant zen meditation that doesn’t involve meditation. tonight’s inebriation however, really helped me reach a focal point in my mind. talking with depressed people and giving them advice that you know will help them helped me realize the things i worry about are really not worth me worrying about. if my girlfriend wants to keep me in the dark, it’s probably because she feels comfortable doing that. i should respect that. but she should be able to respect me and my methods. people always assume i’m some kind of psychopath in person because of the eccentric things i do, but there’s a method to my madness, and it usually involves self-improvement. (i.e. getting blasted drunk with the homies as a form of therapy… and sometimes having a toilet paper war on main street before the cops come.)

if she can’t respect me, then i don’t have to waste my time fretting over it, because i obviously can’t force her to do it. she’s aware of my mild drinking problem, which might explain why she doesn’t like it when i drink. but also i get emotional. she is the ONLY person i have ever been emotionally drunk with. i don’t think she realizes that. the reason her being the only person i can open up to, is because i trust her. “sure, i’m drunk, but this shit is kept in the vaults anyway, and no one knows about it. you’re doing me a fucking favor by lending me your ear.”

you got relationship problems? go out and do something. go drink, do some drugs, have your release, but REMEMBER you have to go back to it at some point. most people forget, and that’s how alcoholics and drug abusers are made. they make the rest of us therapeutic drinkers look bad.

i've come to your planet to do research...and to fuck shit up.

i've come to your planet to do research...and to fuck shit up.

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