Monthly Archives: December 2016

happy enchilada

so it’s the end of the year. it’s been shit. 365 days of battle. Some are looking forward to the next year, in hopes it’ll cum with better luck all over us. Some of us are doomsday prepping, i got a few cans of tuna. some beans. i ain’t got nothing, but you can always have half. the USA election has a few people down. but it also has a few people glad. you can’t win in politics because there’s no right side. just a majority agreement or something like that. but we can’t even agree that all of humanity are bros and hoes, chicks and dicks, all family. so, meh, go fuck yourself. (i did this morning, raging morningwood but you’re only half curious about that.)  BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!! follow me!

to this here next paragraph. let’s talk about god. upper case lower case, he doesn’t care, and don’t worry, i don’t mean talk about god as in talk about scripture or scrolls or whatevs. emerald tablets, haha. and I know i said he but that’s because he’s a dude. however, he is nominally comfortable with his femininity and embraces it. killer with the ladies, chivalrous, but never gets anyone’s phone number. and forget about his goddamn race!!!!!!! …he doesn’t even know what he is. but boy or girl, black or white, he never gave a flying fuck about that stuff. what else? His name. whatever you think it is, forget it. he’s gone by so many different names, over the years that it really doesn’t matter. Truth is, he doesn’t know how to pronounce his real name. The god given one, haha. “…just rounded it off,” he says, “i think.”

okay, that paragraph was his primer. I met him at a booth where people went to get their shoes shined. he was getting his shoes shined, but there wasn’t anyone working there. I think the booth was just a fancy display, but there he was, just shining his shoes in the booth with half of a napkin that used to be whole, and 99 cent shoe polish i’m sure he got from the dollar tree across the street. he decided to shine his shoes because that morning, he remembered he was god. like, not a god, but god-god. says he never liked standing out like a sore thumb so he always tried pretending to be cool, kinda like all of us try to do. one of the boys, one of the regular patrons at a bar, the guy that everybody says ‘hey’ to at that shitty kickback because he’ll include you in obscure conversations. But he’s also been that dude that took the LA metro for 4 hours in the wrong direction because he was high, the guy that blacked out on a church bench before the AA meeting started, and he’s been that guy that forsook a child that may or may not have been his kid. for that last one, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be there for that kid, it was that he wasn’t allowed to, but he’s reached out several times. Some things, you can’t just barge into, gotta be subtle, non-invasive. Patience, by Guns N’ Roses. (side note, he doesn’t really know jesus too well, they’re never really been acquainted, and he joked saying, “i hear good things about him in this life, i think some of it’s bullshit, but hey, they thought i created everything in a week. like, without a break in between tasks. break on the last day, pfft, you know how stressed you’d be if you worked a 24 hour shift for 6 straight days? and THEN create hours right after? like stubbing your big toe in broad daylight. So yeah, if Chewy was half as dope as they made me out to be, then he’s alright, but he coulda been me too. or not, i just remembered i was god this morning. maybe that’s why i couldn’t come over. i was already down, wasn’t i? semantics. bad timing. you know what’s funny is yallz thought i was finished creating everything. it’s a work in progress, and i could use the help. i think i just took a smoke break, checked out how everything was going before i clicked submit. bad timing.”

His boots were old, brown shoelaces on one, and black zipties on the other. It looked like he was tired of pretending to be cool. or maybe he was just always cool. i shared some of my beef jerky and jim beam i had in a flask in my bag. as we split in different directions he notes that he realizes there is a high probability that i will think his entire story crazy horseshit but thought i was alright that i shared food and drink with him anyway. But honestly, had i told him the truth, he’d probably have considered me to be horseshit crazy. i believed his every word. maybe i’m gullible, but his shit’s just as credible as other shit. and myths and legends start off with a little bullshit right?

just before he disappeared to who knows where, he shouted, “Just because the timing is bad sometimes, doesn’t mean it’s wrong! You know how we do!”

shit, that’s good enough for me. well, i guess what i’m saying is, you don’t need to belong to a church to be alright. that dude strived just to be alright. you don’t need to pray to shit, or do weird shit like that. just believe. I don’t mean in god, you can if you want to, I didn’t leave his name for a reason.

But believe in Yourself first and foremost. you’re a grown up and don’t need your hand held by your folks or some dude that may or may not be our progenitor from the heavens or Ohio. i know you can make it. You know you make it. you don’t need a comment from god to proceed, he’d probably troll you. they say god is a jealous god, but i don’t think it’s because of other gods. i think it’s because you can more easily doubt yourself rather than love yourself. probably jealous of doubt, which has powers like a god. i’ve seen self-doubt debilitate people, myself included. to doubt rather than to love yourself is to doubt his greatest creation right? even god wouldn’t say he was perfect, he’d say he was alright. there’s a little bit of god in all of us. whatever that means.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

beating off and around the bush

Constantly, I feel as though I’m in an argument with myself as to whether this plane of existence, this life, is real. I see regular shit things happen and I see miracles too. What sort of half in and half out horsecockery is this. The comeuppance is spiked back down into reality every time and we’re expected to have hope for the future. What the shit is that? The only thing this world has taught us is that wherever happiness lays, you fucking go up to her and take her because bullshit will befall you. Now, now, I don’t mean that in desparity, but I do mean that in the sense that it really doesn’t matter what you do in life. For so long, I’ve done things with the afterthought that I’d be punished for something. But there are worse assholes out there, you know what I mean? And they seem to have it better. So, be an asshole, and seize thy day!!

Now, i’ve never been one to roll with the crowd. It’s not a trait I can’t control, but it’s just a thing, masses hang out in groups. Most masses follow the main point which is usually dumb. If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes truth for someone, and those someones are the ones you watch out for. They seem convinced and do so with a debilitating fervor.

It’s funny. I say that a lot. It really is funny, though. Everyone’s a liar, whether they want to be or not.

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

pandora’s box.

wpid-1275298820-picsay.jpg

i could not define love if my soul depended on it. love ain’t like what they show you on the silver screen. true love hurts. not later, simultaneously. it’s like a molten hot arrow that shoots the chain over your heart. admit it, some of you’ve been heartbroken and erected gates. the type of love you’re thinking of is more of a fondness you’re addicted to. Not a feeling, but a knowing-whatever’s in between. those of us lucky to grow up in a loving home makes falling into real love a tad easier. but it’s not like that love of family where you walk through the door and say, “hi mom! how are you?” then have a normal conversation and leave with, “gotta go, i love you!”

I’ve only said I love you to both my mother and father 3 maybe 4 times my whole life. just once for my father because i knew i was never going to see him again. and my brother, i’ve never said it to him, but he knows i do, plus i don’t wanna look like a nerd. (he’s already more badass than I am. the thing is, with true love, saying it isn’t necessary. it’s felt, known, an inherent knowledge. you can never be forced to love someone, you just do. even after breakups or long absences, you will always love someone. especially if it was a nasty departure. imagine 10 years later, maybe more, and you run into the person- you’re speechless because you remember you’re supposed to hate this person but can’t remember why. i’ve loved so many people in my life, despite never saying it. of course i found some of those people annoying, but i made sure they knew. no hatred necessary.

if absence makes the heart grow fonder, then absence kills hate overtime. patience is the key.

HOWEVER, I can’t stress this enough…
emotions have nothing to do with love. that’s that trick.

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

cool knife, btw

I’m sorry you felt hurt,
you know my friends were looking out for me right?
They’ve been looking out for me
a long time.
It must have just slipped their minds
that I’ve been looking for you
longer than that.

You’re a bit different from what I’d expected
And I thought I was clever.
You’re quick.
I’m sure you want to take it slow,

but we’re both impatient.
Something funny, I’m kinda new at this
but I’m kind of not.
I’m sure you know what I mean

We have the kind of heart that’s
been torn and healed over
innumerably so
that it can cut diamond

I’ve been waiting for you for so long.
we must’ve been playing tag
on this carousel
of course I was secretly watching you

but, not in a creepy way!
my friends told me you looked first!

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized