Monthly Archives: April 2010

She Was a Brisk Wind

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Amidst the settling debris of what we call our joke of a relationship, ive noticed how light I’ve become. Still grabbing my hand, you hold invisible twines like leashes on others. Let go of my hand. I don’t want to be led, and do not wish to be misled. Every step I take with you requires me to check my footing, and the thing is, you know it is my best interest.

When you feel alone, don’t come to me because you know I’m a great companion, but don’t come to me because I can speak better than canine. I have tons of love to give but you are taking up all my time. Someone out there deserves my fire, but you blew it out on multiple occasions. Don’t be rude, let me warm someone who deserves it.

Though my flame is ice cold blue,
this other lover, just might warm me too.

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As He Giveth, He Can Also Taketh

Wear this and wear that and then wear this. There’s a point in which the second skin becomes the primary. The output you put out is who you are and I had no choice but to sit as a silent witness to report to the court. The artistry in the movement of your sharp body’s diction reveal your indisputable readiness in breeding, but there was a time when it was metaphorical. Mental indolence led to it becoming literal, as I impatiently watched.There was no world to turn back to as it became consistent in forward motion. It always has been, and turning back only meant lament and regret, yet those were never apparent and do not appear to revelate anytime in the near future. We creatures are progressive only in the sense that we seek quicker ways to destroy and dissemble. This life is filled with choices and outcomes, and will always be another open fork in the road. The challenge is remaining consistent. Everything in between love and hate has always been underrated as it was the only subject that warped what we assumed and refer to be balance.

This temporary playground we dubbed the end-all be-all was where we differed. Your presumptions of this temporary life was, in fact, my presumptions of the end-all be-all. Temporary was an incomputable phrase that I generously refused to add into my cakecabulary. The dealings with the rest of the world never meant enough to be counted in ours.

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Fragile: This Side Up

I wonder if you’ll still be around when I’m six feet underground. Back at 1715, I’ve been through just about everything an ordinary human as humanly possible, transformations and transfigurations. Evolution of minds, and evolution of souls, Beliefs became unbelievable, and the unbelievable became the past, remains present, and awaits in the future. Now I’m packing into boxes, meaningless belongings, kited by rancid memories and dreams came true. Everything will turn to a nostalgic sepia as hopes of vibrance lay on the road ahead.

I’ve bathed in the wild and reckless pools of youth, and can successfully say I still walk among them. Earning the childhood I never had in late cherry blossums, I cannot bring it with me. I seek to sort the uncertainties of society to ultimately become mundane. Despite it’s sounding nature of banishment, it’s actually what we all look for, admittedly or not. We live by the night and the speeds of the far left lane in order to find the one person we can take a quiet walk with during the day. That by definition is mundane, yet holds more value than dancing with the devil. I’ve danced, I’ve sung, and I’ve avoided sleep, but now I want to be still, silent, and smiling.

With the new dwelling close at hand, I know I will not receive what I want, Sometimes, even what I want is questionable. I can either repeat what I’ve done or evolve into skipping all the unsanitary formalities.

I have no expectations for any of my peers to share the same mentality, and I have little faith in their attempts to understand. I’d always been alone, and have survived thus far. Even with parents, brothers, sisters less than 10 feet away, my castle walls were fortified to defend. Sleep with locked bedroom doors, and window blinds shut, not even the sun had my permission to shine on me. But one has to realize, you’re also shutting out truth in happiness, shutting out the connections necessary for self preservation, validation. Shutting out the vibrance of life. It is through this, one realizes they have to jump across the moat to the other side.

Trusting your entire existence to someone, and praying they will not put it in a cupboard or lock it away. I’m all out of chips but the risk, determines how big your wins are.

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Iapetus [eye-AP-eh-tuss]

Have you ever had that feeling? You know, that feeling we all feel every now and then. As if everything around you is pitch black and the only thing illuminated is you. Not exactly, but pretty close in comparison to sitting in a parked car while it’s raining outside. Not light rain where you can still make out objects, but rain heavy enough to make it look like you’re going through an automatic carwash. There’s no music playing on the radio, no heavy breathing, just the sound of the water hitting your car, strategically masking the erratic heartbeat inside your chest? It beats to that feeling you get right before you receive bad news. You know there’s news, and you know it’s going to be bad, and you know it’s coming. Have you ever had that feeling? Yeah, well I’ve been having that feeling for the last two days. non-stop flights from my veins to my brains. And I tell ya, this is supposed to be temporary, and after that temporary scare, it’s supposed to make you feel better about the situation at hand. But two straight days, with sleepless nights, it isn’t a good thing. It’s like a hard-on you get from Viagra that lasts over four hours. Please check with your physician.

Now you may want to ask, “Hey Hugh, what’s got you wound up tighter than John Rambo looking for a sandwich?” Well the honest to God answer is that I don’t know. I’m not really sure why I’ve been feeling on edge the last two days. I had a great week last week where everything seemed possible. Then this week, everything that was magnificent seemed just about ready to be recycled. The problem was always impulsive action. That has caused nothing but trouble. However, ooooh however, now i’m philosophically wondering whether the magnificence that happened last week was the impulsive act. We’re hopping off our cloud now, ready to come back to earth. Or maybe last week was magnificent, and this week is the impulse. Public dedication to each other only makes the private dedications to another seem less obvious. (But not if you’ve read my last post.) And no I’m not being irrational and pretentious about the whole situation, I have documents containing irrefutable proof and pictures to prove my point. Yet… That isn’t the part that disturbs me. The part that disturbs me, as I see it, is that I’m left with three less-than-ideal options.

I'm the Son of Science, Not the Son of Sam

A. Bring it out to the open for wide consultation, as well as confrontation. Hope for things to be resolved. or B. Realize confrontation is impossible because the other party has a wall to hide behind therefore confrontation is pointless. Instead, play hardball and seek vengeance in slow increments to prepare myself for the final defensive position, ultimately coming out with a trump card. or C. Ignore it. Ignore the wrong doings towards me and irrationably implore selfLESSness in this situation because, ironically, this is the happiest I’ve ever been. If my own pride,dignity, and self-worth is the cost for being as happy as I am. (no sarcasm) then I’ll gladly pay it. Today’s world isn’t like the world of the past, there is no happy ending for anyone, If you think otherwise, then you haven’t reached your ending yet. Though the last option may sound shocking, it sounds like it makes the most sense. Just ignore it. And play it safe. If I play nice, they will too… right?

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Curse of the Woodpecker

I have a certain dilemma in which causes problems for my daily being. It used to be mistaken for an insecurity, however, after countless situations with irrefutable conclusions, I’ve discovered this dilemma to be a skill. I refer to it as a dilemma because, though an invaluable skill, can cause an influx of peace in regards to my daily personal interactions. This dilemma I speak so highly about is the ability to detect a lie. I am a human lie detector.

How does this skill interfere with my daily interactions, you might be wondering. Well, simple. I’m openly skeptical about things I hear that have a bit of untruth in them. I sense it, and want to disprove it immediately. How am I so certain, you might be wondering. Well I’m an avid reader of body language and vocal tone as well. That particular skill I obtained after years of people watching; malls, markets, events, etc, as research for my acting career. That coupled with a major in psychology doesn’t exactly spell out a happy ending for me. I’d make a great friend to have and to obtain unbiased advice from, and I am a great friend to have and to obtain advice from. Yet, this poses a problem for me and my personal relationships.

The pros; I am completely incapable of having a relationship built on anything less than the truth. Complete honesty and open disclosure.

The cons; It is impossible to lie to me. I’ll let white lies, slide every now and then, but if you plan something and haven’t even told a soul about it. You can bet your bottom dollar that I’ve already theorized that scenario along with several others.

Advice: When you lie, make sure your voice, body language, and timing all correspond. If one of those is off center, I’ll be able to tell.

The problem I’m having most trouble with now is that I’m forced to question myself as a proper and fair human being despite my dilemma. Even though, it means that nothing less than honesty is welcome in my book. Do I have to turn a blind eye when I uncover a lie, if not just to feel normal?  I want to have an honest relationship without lies, but even I know that’s impossible. So does it mean that I have to ignore being lied to? Then act surprised when it’s out in the open? I may be a human lie detector, so I suppose that means I’ll always have more questions than answers.

this sir, is a lemon

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be back in a bit

Recent turn of events have caused a great deal of misunderstanding as old money clashes with the new. Misunderstandings are how wars are started, and neither side believes they are wrong. I’m no Son of Sam, but a Son of Science, so libel and slander aren’t taken seriously. However, what will be taken seriously is how seriously this is taken by some, potentially to a dangerous degree. Logic and reason are still my allies and I refuse to stoop to the level of being clouded by a veil of angry screaming blasphemy. I can argue with another as civility dictates, but I cannot argue with a gun ready to fire. In other words, “cool your fucking jets, I’ll be back when you’re ready. Or your proneness to popping blood vessels will increase.”

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Cake Domino

Arrogant Bastard

Though the signs are of nothing out of the ordinary, the final act had already begun, and just as abruptly, ended. I was too stubborn to let go of my pride because I foolishly believed I had every right to be and stay angry. Agitation builds quite easily after the first step into anger, and that’s exactly what happened. I’m not an overtly destructive person, but I’m just as deadly being self destructive. I have a radically stupid idea in which I don’t believe I’m correctly reacting to any given situation unless I hurt as much on the inside as I do on the outside. Usually accomplished through starvation or excessive drinking. I never stopped to realize that while I self destructed, (believing I was hurting no one else,) it was actually causing a chain reaction in which not just a single line of dominoes was toppled, but an interconnected array of dominoes were toppled. My false belief in my actions not hurting others was actually a paradox.

She apologized to me for making me become a bitter person. I let her apologize. In reality, she didn’t have to. Bitterness isn’t something you can bestow onto another person, and no one in their right mind would do it willfully. I was the one who had let myself become bitter, and somehow I was too arrogant to allow her to feel better about herself. I had firmly believed she was completely at fault, and that she had no right to anything. I failed to meet her halfway, and honestly forgive and forget, as I would’ve done anyway. The dominoes kept falling, and so were we. I had a parachute and I didn’t pull it.

Let’s be honest here. This blog I write is coming from a man who speaks only ill-willed statements about everything. There’s maybe one or two optimistic posts, yet everything else belonged to the devilish doctor’s notes. If I can be more honest, I started writing this blog because of her. I had always taken it upon myself to solve every problem that came up. Due to a poor relationship I had with my father, I felt that if I couldn’t solve every problem that came my way, I’d be no better than he was. I digress. I noticed early on that she had a problem with confrontation. Every time I brought up a problem regarding something, I noticed the patient becoming despondent and sometimes even retreating, depending on the severity of the subject. The more unpleasant, the more distant she became. The fact I couldn’t healthily pent up all the problems we had to myself, and that I couldn’t share it with her, became a problem in and of itself. I didn’t have a person to vent to, and did not keep a journal at the time. What resulted, was the birth of this blog, a collection of all the problems we never talked about because I was afraid to get her afraid. I did not reveal this blog to her until about half a year ago.

I had written things specifically to her, but encoded so she wouldn’t notice. Allusions, metaphors, similies, etcetera became key in it’s structure, and upbringing. Over time, the writings became more direct, as if I had to spell it out for her to read. The catch was that she rarely read these, yet I always believed she did, and responded in her own despondent way within her own blog. I thought this was the way in which I could meet her halfway in her blogging world in order to work out the real life problems we had in our actual world. Thus problem solved. Or so I thought, the dominoes kept toppling and I had refused to see the most obvious answer. She never read my blog, I had forgotten about her frail memory, in which caused her to forget I even had a blog at all. I kept writing responses, and new arguments until the agitation of no concrete conclusion caused absolutely nothing, and everything all at once, but gradually. What does that mean? Well let’s just say, you’re now in my world. I thought I was solving a crisis, which had actually exacerbated things. Causing complete Chaos in correspondence to absolutely nothing. And the funny thing is, I never once said, “go read my blog, the answer is right there.” You know why I didn’t just say it? Correct, I was fucking stubborn.

I’ve said some nasty things in my blog. things that had no right to be aimed at her. NOT FOR ANY REASON. I just impulsively stooped to her level in vengeance, knowing full well that I didn’t need to. The old, “you hit me, and I’ll hit you back,” mentality of a child took over. A lost child within myself I had muffled. Another irony of life, you never learn the most imperative things you need to learn until it’s too late. It seems apparent that a chapter in my world has just ended, and I am heavily saddened she will not be making an appearance in the next. The next time you get angry, don’t take action so quickly. calm the fuck down and let the boiling bubbles settle. Otherwise, you’ll end up listening to sad Radiohead songs on the tile of your bathroom floor because you can’t figure out why the dominoes keep falling.

I tried hardest to hold tightly, the one thing that was ever important to me. Knowing me, you’ll know that statement to be true. But I couldn’t hold on any longer. I’ll always love her for being the first human I had ever loved, and the last person I’d ever try to love in that particular way. I won’t cry anymore because we’re not together, but I’ll smile because we were at one point in life. Not everything was bad, in fact, she’s responsible for some of the happiest moments in my life, and I’m grateful I got to share them with her.

I suppose there’s no point in further continuing this blog. Thank you. For everything.

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