Though the signs are of nothing out of the ordinary, the final act had already begun, and just as abruptly, ended. I was too stubborn to let go of my pride because I foolishly believed I had every right to be and stay angry. Agitation builds quite easily after the first step into anger, and that’s exactly what happened. I’m not an overtly destructive person, but I’m just as deadly being self destructive. I have a radically stupid idea in which I don’t believe I’m correctly reacting to any given situation unless I hurt as much on the inside as I do on the outside. Usually accomplished through starvation or excessive drinking. I never stopped to realize that while I self destructed, (believing I was hurting no one else,) it was actually causing a chain reaction in which not just a single line of dominoes was toppled, but an interconnected array of dominoes were toppled. My false belief in my actions not hurting others was actually a paradox.
She apologized to me for making me become a bitter person. I let her apologize. In reality, she didn’t have to. Bitterness isn’t something you can bestow onto another person, and no one in their right mind would do it willfully. I was the one who had let myself become bitter, and somehow I was too arrogant to allow her to feel better about herself. I had firmly believed she was completely at fault, and that she had no right to anything. I failed to meet her halfway, and honestly forgive and forget, as I would’ve done anyway. The dominoes kept falling, and so were we. I had a parachute and I didn’t pull it.
Let’s be honest here. This blog I write is coming from a man who speaks only ill-willed statements about everything. There’s maybe one or two optimistic posts, yet everything else belonged to the devilish doctor’s notes. If I can be more honest, I started writing this blog because of her. I had always taken it upon myself to solve every problem that came up. Due to a poor relationship I had with my father, I felt that if I couldn’t solve every problem that came my way, I’d be no better than he was. I digress. I noticed early on that she had a problem with confrontation. Every time I brought up a problem regarding something, I noticed the patient becoming despondent and sometimes even retreating, depending on the severity of the subject. The more unpleasant, the more distant she became. The fact I couldn’t healthily pent up all the problems we had to myself, and that I couldn’t share it with her, became a problem in and of itself. I didn’t have a person to vent to, and did not keep a journal at the time. What resulted, was the birth of this blog, a collection of all the problems we never talked about because I was afraid to get her afraid. I did not reveal this blog to her until about half a year ago.
I had written things specifically to her, but encoded so she wouldn’t notice. Allusions, metaphors, similies, etcetera became key in it’s structure, and upbringing. Over time, the writings became more direct, as if I had to spell it out for her to read. The catch was that she rarely read these, yet I always believed she did, and responded in her own despondent way within her own blog. I thought this was the way in which I could meet her halfway in her blogging world in order to work out the real life problems we had in our actual world. Thus problem solved. Or so I thought, the dominoes kept toppling and I had refused to see the most obvious answer. She never read my blog, I had forgotten about her frail memory, in which caused her to forget I even had a blog at all. I kept writing responses, and new arguments until the agitation of no concrete conclusion caused absolutely nothing, and everything all at once, but gradually. What does that mean? Well let’s just say, you’re now in my world. I thought I was solving a crisis, which had actually exacerbated things. Causing complete Chaos in correspondence to absolutely nothing. And the funny thing is, I never once said, “go read my blog, the answer is right there.” You know why I didn’t just say it? Correct, I was fucking stubborn.
I’ve said some nasty things in my blog. things that had no right to be aimed at her. NOT FOR ANY REASON. I just impulsively stooped to her level in vengeance, knowing full well that I didn’t need to. The old, “you hit me, and I’ll hit you back,” mentality of a child took over. A lost child within myself I had muffled. Another irony of life, you never learn the most imperative things you need to learn until it’s too late. It seems apparent that a chapter in my world has just ended, and I am heavily saddened she will not be making an appearance in the next. The next time you get angry, don’t take action so quickly. calm the fuck down and let the boiling bubbles settle. Otherwise, you’ll end up listening to sad Radiohead songs on the tile of your bathroom floor because you can’t figure out why the dominoes keep falling.
I tried hardest to hold tightly, the one thing that was ever important to me. Knowing me, you’ll know that statement to be true. But I couldn’t hold on any longer. I’ll always love her for being the first human I had ever loved, and the last person I’d ever try to love in that particular way. I won’t cry anymore because we’re not together, but I’ll smile because we were at one point in life. Not everything was bad, in fact, she’s responsible for some of the happiest moments in my life, and I’m grateful I got to share them with her.
I suppose there’s no point in further continuing this blog. Thank you. For everything.