this blog started out as a way for me to communicate with my then girlfriend. i was 22. i was awestruck. whenever i meet someone i like, i’m awestruck, and then i fall into a little wedge of whether i want to be more like this person, or to keep this person in my pocket for the rest of my life. i always want to be a little more like a person that has struck me with awe. everyone i’ve ever met, i’ve taken a little piece of them with me. not like a serial killer takes a literal piece of them, but those little things they do that make them them. i started out with [probably] negative points in the world of personality, but in these later years i see myself as an amalgamation of everything that’s crossed my mind. a collage of interactions. as though i were an alien experiment sent here to gather data.
so 22, with a girlfriend that might have actually been an alien, we spoke to each other in cryptic blog posts. she had her own. we weren’t actually speaking that way – it was more like i wrote blog posts to respond to one of hers, and she wrote one where i’d read heavily into it, and come up with a new response. i’d never written before, but doing so kinda gave me a voice. mimicry at first, it felt like, but as i aged, i collected more and more pieces to myself.
and in these later days, looking back to front and vice versa, i’ve either lost sense of who i was before or woken to the idea that i was really no one at all. because, what are any of us if not amalgamations of everything we’ve experienced. sometimes i wonder if i’m so adept at collecting pieces of people that i’ve never really thought for myself. it’s as though any original thought i ever had was just rephrased by someone else. this little monologue even feels familiar.
this blog isn’t really read by anyone but i keep adding to it like a diary. the feeling of someone actually reading some of my words one day excites me, but i’m by no means a proper writer. writing here is like having sex in public with the threat of being caught at any moment. it’s not like this is going to be that legacy i leave of myself to prove i existed. just another tree that may or may not have fallen in the forest.
something i should mention is that this blog is incidentally documenting this shift in my mind. i’m not sure if i’m mentally deteriorating or becoming wise in my old age. somehow, too modest to suggest the latter, or anything thing of the bright side when it comes to myself. i don’t think it’s because i’m too humble, but more like a self preservation thing. if i only think the worst things, then i won’t be surprised if the worst becomes applicable. in hindsight, if something awesome happens, then good spirits are multiplied! wasn’t a very lucky lad growing up so it’s a self-preservation technique. and yes, you can assume the worst without being bitter. being bitter is normal, now and then but overdoing it is akin to secondhand smoke.