Tag Archives: society

The day your world stood still

What took the cake of the things I could have been was; a better son.
I’m a genius when I put my mind to it, but Asperger’s will render that quite difficult and especially so if you couldn’t understand why you felt alienated. I can also do anything provided I had enough time, I’m really quite informed in all walks of life and it’s subordinate facets. I think that came to be because I spent so much time denying what I was and in the process learned a billion other things to be. I learned people. I learned what love and care was like without ever having a real example from home. And I pushed it. I went to extremes when I learned these things because it felt like it could get me away from my family, my universe. My parents weren’t terrible parents. I just found out, not a moment before writing this while taking a dump, that my parents were just as resilient and prolific in nature as I was. I shunned my youth solely because everyone else seemed to have a family that had it so much fucking easier than mine. My agitation increased tenfold when I found other Asian kids to come from money. They were pricks too. I subconsciously wanted to be a prick to, a big one, metaphorically. I mean I really didn’t look all that different from them apart from fashion expenditures. Its was a handicapped life as though the universe picked on us simply because it was bigger. In all I’ve learned, I’ve learned hermetically and I’ve learned that I was a terrible son because of the materialism the rest of society imposed upon me. I used to believe having lots of cool expensive things was as good as knowing who I was.

But I am not an 80 gig ps3 I purchased on the release date. I am not a plethora of vintage clothing and boys from the 60’s era. my clothes were pushing 50 years old. I am not a vast collection of DVDs of Indie cult movies. I am not my record collection of obscure musicians. I am not the display of books on my bookshelf. I am not the cute minimalist organizational angles of my ikea furniture. I am not the car I drive, nor train, nor bike.

What I am is the feeling of vintage clothing and it’s history. I am the mind of a 50 year old man, or woman I’d I include the strange obsession with shoes I had. I am the interest of new technology and new ways if being like a ps5. I am the dialogue and the story in all those movies we all love watching, even In Her Shoes. I am the feeling of an obscure musician under a needle until I click. I am the ideas in all the books I’ve read as I am the counter arguments to some of the books I’ve read. I am the clean, sleek state of an armoire from Sweden. I am catching onto the ways you and your friends make me and my friends feel.

You may think I have gone insane, but I was insane from the beginning. I was insane from misinformation until I got the picture. I want to show you but you’ll just tread on me again. What tells me I’m right is this: my picture applies to every single person in this world while yours applies to you. I want my world back. You can keep bussing tables to finance your fancies, but when the rest of us aren’t impressed anymore. You’ll feel pretty silly for thinking I was crazy. Welcome to the grander scheme of things, biaaaatch. My world is a world where lessons learned are not forgotten. I hope you can say that too one day.

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‘Hello,’ lions and lionesses! (and I DO mean ‘Hello’ by Lionel Richie, but no one would have gotten that.)

Just hurry the fuck up. I’ll be ready in 4 minutes.” demanded Katherine, my lanky, buxom-less, beloved, platonic roommate. Her eyes hadn’t wavered in my direction: they were only ever locked to the screen of her laptop fixed on her lap, not unusually.
“Okay. I’m gonna hop in the shower.” I responded. Katherine sounded a grunt in acknowledgment and admission. Even she knew her face would still be basking in the glow of the laptop after my shower.
The heirs to the Age of Aquarius are all tanning to the waning shine of the screen, ‘hello to you too‘. I thought as I let the gradually warming water run from the shower head. I played a game on my cellphone while waiting. I was catapulting disgruntled fowls into the homes of discolored swine, pooping piously.

Last night, my horoscope advised me to seek out someone helpful in keeping me focused. I have a natural knack in wandering from my day’s itinerary regardless of importance. I normally check the next day’s horoscope most nights because I don’t want to curse as bad as I do. Being unprepared for surprises while being poor only leads to this. Once, I cursed so profanely, it was like an exploded sewage line. I had lost my job despite having an excuse with a medical emergency. Admittedly, I could have made the effort to check in once, at the very least, during the 8 squandered hours I spent in the emergency room. I was loathe to believe having a torn scrotum was punishment enough. It looked like a tight vagina beneath my penis. My spewed curses circulated around the subject of the lost job and the gaining of a vagina. Now I check my horoscope the night before despite being called a poof. I already had a makeshift cunt. Katherine happened the role of my P.I.C. (partner in crime) today, of which I deemed affectionate because she was lucid for once.
During the second time Katherine drove us back to the printing place that day, I noticed a woman I wanted to meet. Katherine and I had to go back a second time because I had forgotten which folder I’d saved the resume into. Also, I’d forgotten the USB drive to print it from. The woman I wanted to meet wasn’t present the first time, fortunately, but had missed a joke I had cracked earlier. I debated cracking the same joke again, but I feared everyone else possibly catching onto my scheme. She had a poster of fractal art printed. I wanted to meet her anyway. I printed 3 copies of my resume which came to a total of twenty-three cents I almost didn’t have. I said quite audibly, ‘thank God for pennies,’ because it seemed like it could have been funny and winning at the time. I fled soon after. I thought, now she’ll never know that a complete stranger had fallen unconditionally in love with her and her eccentricities for 5 whole minutes today, and it didn’t cost nearly as much as my resumes had. This made me sad, but soon I remembered how I had to do important stuff instead.

That’s what I said! Girls hate each other these days. It’s all war.” replied Katherine as she lit a cigarette, sending a text to her boyfriend, all while maneuvering her car through traffic. Katherine saw something another girl had posted on Facebook in which she regarded with as being, ‘stupid as shit!’
“The sisterhood is a sham,” I said blankly, pressing buttons in her car, “bro-mance is true though. Platonic friendships are totally possible. But, only until some bitch wiggles her way in. That’s the only way I’ve lost homies I didn’t want to ignore.”
“They always do. Fuckin’ always do. They’re so childish; it freaks me 
the fuck out. They come in as a girl first, but they always exit as a bitch. I can’t stand girls. Always scheming.” she agreed. Then she giggled at a text her boyfriend replied to her. Probably a happy face or how much he misses her or both, I thought enviously of them. Katherine had the mind of a man in the body of a Playboy Bunny; I enjoy bouncing ideas with her and being envied by other guys that happened to see us hanging out in public. When she’s lucid.
“I blame Civil Rights. Race-wise, equality, of course.” I said still diddling the buttons.
“Yeah, course.”
“But now that women are empowered, the end of days is nigh and shit. …Do any of these buttons do anything?”
“Oh, they’re broken …and that’s bullshit. Women should be empowered.”
“I’m not saying they should still have the lack of rights they did back in the good ol’ days,” I took a breath and thought about restating the set of words I had just uttered but changed my mind, “I’m saying that some of the more fem-friendly laws should be revised.”
“And so they can live in fear of men again?! What the fuck, Danny?!” Katherine shouted.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying. There are so many effeminate dudes out there now, have you seen a movie recently? Seriously. I feel pretty emasculated on a daily basis …sometimes. Only sometimes. But I’m saying 
revised so that the men don’t have to live in fear of women… like we’re doing now.” I said with an unconvincingly subtle staccato.
We pulled up to the restaurant that I needed to hand my resume to. Katherine abruptly parked. It was almost like slamming a door. I trembled. The ergonomical strategist that is my mind jacked up the price of courage when I needed it, despite having realized my mind was what I needed my courage to defend against. It reminded me of my middle school gym coach who encouraged me to lose weight by referencing large animals when he called upon me. I’d have been okay with ridicule if I had a drink then. The courage of a lion came to me with only a single beer, even. This was because my indecencies would be forgiven and found funny instead. But I was dry right now. My indecencies became unforgivable. My opines became misanthropic, even when they were philanthropic. My sardonically toned insight was mistaken for pompousness, My ass will be handed to me again. But Katherine knew me well enough, I hoped not soon enough.
“BULLSHIT. You lean towards misogyny because of that ex-cunt of yours.” she said monotonously.
“She, uh…actually, stopped mattering a while back …actually. I just think 
neither gender should live in fear, but …bitches have more power.”
“We’ve earned it.”
“Sure …did. Yes. Sure did.”
“We aren’t abusing it like men have in the past. We’re surrounded by little bitches.” Katherine stated absolutely. Then she took a breath. “Fuck it. This is about how we need to get those managers into thinking you’re worth hiring. Danny, go hand in your fucking resume to the manager. Be persistent. Sound confident. You’re gonna need to try very hard, but I’m here. I got your back. You need to have the kind of confidence like you do when you pick up a chick at a bar.”
“Right.” I said after a moment. Was I to trick them into believing I had any worth, I wondered. I feel I’ve wondered this too many times.
I got out of the car and walked toward the entrance. I decidedly omitted the fact I had never successfully picked up a chick at a bar because I Katherine would have growled at me some more. I’d seen a thousand movies on the subject anyway, I thought, it didn’t seem difficult to be an ass with a hard-on. I turned back to look at Katherine as she encouragingly pointed at the entrance, like television mothers did to disobedient kids. Through the back window I saw her mouth the words, ‘
be confident, you little bitch.‘ I took a breath and began walking. I thought briefly of the cunt-shaped hole I had in my ball sack, then decided Katherine had actually been an excellent choice for a P.I.C. I was the most uninspired person I knew, but I feared Katherine enough to effort otherwise. This kept me mentally acute in constantly revising my thoughts before expounding them through my teeth. As a matter of fact, I still don’t know which gender she was and/is liege to, though I had never really cared for the rights of either party.

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Slaughterhouse Six

I hope I’m not crazy for being the only one who thinks love has become endangered, borderline extinct. Well, I can’t speak for other cities or states besides LA and California. There was a time when one was lucky to fall in love, a time when we didn’t think one unlucky for being in love. You’ve seen it, and we all know you’ve secretly thought to yourself, “poor bastard.” When they say history repeats itself, it’s precisely this that proves the futility of this hopeful though indignant/indulgent plight. If you kill a man, make sure he doesn’t have any connections. Via heartache or on a literal basis. When they killed Jesus, they didn’t think about who his Dad was did they?

On the subject of history repeating itself, it, inadvertently resembles time-travel, a volition of statistics, and an accurate hypothesis of what happens next etc. What I mean is if you can time-travel, then you can already expect the worst to happen, which means you know a piece of the future and can do something to avoid it, right? However, humans are silly, and we all secretly think we’re the one person in history that can rebuke our fate. If there’s one thing time-traveling can teach you, it’s that your intellect can, at the least, make your love-life bearable. Settle for less, or settle for reaching for the dream. Yes it sounds terrible, but which part of modern love can you think of that isn’t adjective of terrible? (Besides the beginning, because we all know that’s the best part. Ironically it gets you so high, that you can only roll down the hill afterwards.)

(This post brought to you through countless counseling sessions hosted by yours truly. The end result, you can only become a better version of you in order to combat the reality, [which is the current you.])

“Hang in there! You know things are gonna get better before you can do this all over again!”

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