Tonight was an overdue outing with the boys. i see them all the time, but there’s just something about getting blasted drunk with people more depressive than you are, and in turn, might even pull you off the edge of that cliff. Doctors and therapists don’t suggest “get drunk, and have fun,” simply because they legally can’t. for obvious reasons, but if done correctly, it’s effects can be gratifying. “take two beers, and call me in the morning.”
I’ve been in a slump lately because my girlfriend’s been away. not to mention physically, 2000+ miles away. mental and emotional distance was bothering me. it’s not very encouraging when she tells you about her having an amazing talk with some guy which resulted in cute funny nicknames like “hubby” and “cowboy,” and you’re left to wonder why you can’t be that guy. i feel as if she keeps me a secret and i don’t blame her. i’m like a filthy child that just walked into a beautiful house after playing in the dirt. there are things about me that some people would just simply not understand. quirkiness, sense of humor, retardation, and a contradicting intellect on par with Rain Man. i can see why i’d be kept in the dark.
I did something i really didn’t want to do, and that was to ask her to change up her internet social profiles to show her fake horny friends she has a boyfriend she loves. it was selfish and pretentious of me, but it would make me feel so much better. being in a long distance relationship means you can’t invite your love to go out with you AT ALL. nor can she meet your friends without having to really get over the awkwardness of orchestration (by calling everyone down here to meet her cause i’ve only got her for a few moments.) you can’t go to the movies, social events, bars or even be seen together. all you have is hearsay you can provide to other people you interact with on a daily basis but it feels almost fabricated. so, conclusively, the internet is where we have our dates and PDA’s (public displays of affections) and etc. but she doesn’t agree. instead, she has this cool i don’t care exterior to her that’s conveyed on her websites, and having a boyfriend is just like owning a pair of rare diamond earrings no one’s seen.
*fun fact: in one of our only two pictures together, she’s on the phone.
but that’s the tip of the iceberg to what bothers me. just the tip. what my main problem is, is i can’t talk to anyone about it. i don’t have a “go-to” person for answers to my questions. i have to rely on myself to find the answers. it’s almost like a constant zen meditation that doesn’t involve meditation. tonight’s inebriation however, really helped me reach a focal point in my mind. talking with depressed people and giving them advice that you know will help them helped me realize the things i worry about are really not worth me worrying about. if my girlfriend wants to keep me in the dark, it’s probably because she feels comfortable doing that. i should respect that. but she should be able to respect me and my methods. people always assume i’m some kind of psychopath in person because of the eccentric things i do, but there’s a method to my madness, and it usually involves self-improvement. (i.e. getting blasted drunk with the homies as a form of therapy… and sometimes having a toilet paper war on main street before the cops come.)
if she can’t respect me, then i don’t have to waste my time fretting over it, because i obviously can’t force her to do it. she’s aware of my mild drinking problem, which might explain why she doesn’t like it when i drink. but also i get emotional. she is the ONLY person i have ever been emotionally drunk with. i don’t think she realizes that. the reason her being the only person i can open up to, is because i trust her. “sure, i’m drunk, but this shit is kept in the vaults anyway, and no one knows about it. you’re doing me a fucking favor by lending me your ear.”
you got relationship problems? go out and do something. go drink, do some drugs, have your release, but REMEMBER you have to go back to it at some point. most people forget, and that’s how alcoholics and drug abusers are made. they make the rest of us therapeutic drinkers look bad.