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Ouroboros

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Among the last two weeks, I’ve been ostentatiously waking up in infrequent places from a face-down drowning position, seldom from my own bed, on a daily basis. I.e. the haggardly genuine bedhead look accompanied with photo-phobic eyes, and a genuine distaste for dialogue spurted from anyone’s word-hole thing on the face (as I referred to on one occasion). Also, packaged with a general reduction in wit or any creative demeanor that allowed me to be noted as a “funny guy.” But the last two days, gave those back. I staved my need for grandpa’s cough elixir, which happened to be mommy’s mouthwash, and slithered back into a skin. It felt new, but it felt like the antecedent and austere skin. I even dreamed.

I usually cycled the same dreams, but I had a new one this time. Whatever my soul was telling me, I couldn’t be sure, but it did tell me there’s something happening, something new, something bigger. It felt like the process of my excessive consumption of make-believe liquid courage and countless nights facing hell when I slept, meant I was really dying. On a metaphoric level, of course, but that led me back into this skin that felt familiar, but new, improved, and I’d have no say in whether or not I had to get used to it. I couldn’t understand this all until I read her recent post, and that kicked my missing mind back into my spinal socket, in which I glued shut with a strawberry shortcake milkshake.

(My replacement for whiskey could be none other than a strawberry shortcake milkshake. I was forced to venture into the discovery of such because my roommate was playing the dreaded beer-pong, in which I abhor my own participation due to the susceptibility of dirty balls. If I wanted to play with dirty balls, I’d simply wait til Friday, when I took a shower.)

Her post seemed to revel in a transformation as well, which deduced her inconsistencies of the same like as mine. (Of all the epochs I’ve known her, this was the first time she’d ever helped me.) That was the string on the kite, cut loose to fly wherever it pleased. My mind flew back to me, with sponged visions of my new world, all the while, my serpent body shed the dead skin revealing a resilient new, asskicking one. As the great philosophers AC/DC said, “forget the hearse, cause I’ll never die, I’ve got nine lives, cat’s eyes, abusing every one of them and running wild.”

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Chateau Marmont

A fine line is drawn between non-fiction and fiction, as you know, also pertains to daily life. We justify them with phrases like, utter honesty, or if heaven permitted, white lies. Through the thick haze of semantics, and this could be a purely opinionated observation, what is to be said of the truths that neither parties want to accept? Let alone, justify. Not knowing what I mean is sign alone, but an example would be, “I didn’t want to drink that cup, but the adamantly opinionated fellow, convincingly propagated the pleasure he were to receive if I were to drink it. (nothing specific, but take note that it will involve whiskey over whiskey, the only alcohol that doesn’t influence my urge to hasten physically delegated damage for unexplainable reasons.)

Excuse my malformed analogy, they sound good most of the time, but even I, am confused. In my case, the confusing stipulation was my contentment of being sorrowful. Even the sense of ad hoc justifications does not interrupt when I say that. I am content with it because I know I can not express myself adequately without the sour bits of life, I never had a sweet tooth, and can not translate the sweet things in life. At least, not in a self-actualizing manner, because anyone can conjure a justification, and for almost any reason. I don’t loathe the misery, in fact, I crave it as it is my only means of escape. The most efficient one at least. And it’s because of teeth, the one’s behind most frowns and most smiles, glossy and off-white.

In script, as you’re presented with, I write a certain way, but close friends of mine would never anticipate my particular combination’s of words, scribed in internet splurge format. There’s a good reason for that. Entity. Some of us are truly blessed with the gift of writing the way they speak, and others, speak louder only in one of the two formats. I am not blessed with speaking as well as I scribe; can not enunciated the words of my soul. Perhaps I’ve focused too much on the Arabic structure, but I doubt I’d have been who I am without the comfort I find in transcribing ocular nonsense. *hint*

In person, I’m bright, lively, and optimistic. Hard to believe? I agree entirely and allow an explanation [I’ve discovered moments ago.] In a physically organic fashion, I’ve never preferred to leave without sucking a smile out of a person, even  at my own expense. I’ve always believed being positive or negative around others is contagious, and only one of those options was beneficial. A smile from the most unwilling face shone warmer than any sunny day, and I craved that feeling like a junkie did for his next spell. In a physically organic fashion, of course.

On paper, my mentally organic expression, my art, my translation of the soul within, blah blah, etc; the joy is derived from the malice. It is masochistic, and contrived, though, I feel more can relate to that. A laugh and a smile are a quick and temporary fix, and it goes appreciated, however, the combination of words your eyes follow will map the path of your lament, or willingly, they dark and evil shit you don’t ever want to say out loud. I feel that way too. If there’s a passage I find so ‘everything-below-the-equator’ everything oriented in pessimism, EXCEPT wrong, chances are, I’ve given it my loyalty.

The only problem I have, and can identify with, is that a strong and committed person can easily lose their place when they walk the tightrope. I thought I had it down; love it all in person, hate it all on paper. I don’t. I was never as strong as I thought I was, I’ll find myself in sweaty situations deciding between vanilla and chocolate. I’m terrible with confrontation, but my confrontations occur when I’m certain on how wrong you are. Pretentious. Yes, seemingly, but this post allows no room for petty white lies. It is possible I may be undergoing an influx of  consciences, but if that’s all it took, isn’t it reason enough to take a second look? I want to keep writing as a sad bastard listening to Belle and Sebastian, but I find myself living as every hit song The Strokes have ever had. It’s 6:34 in the morning, maybe I should sleep on it.

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