Oh sweet, sweet April. Month of the resurrection. Symbolizing that succulent eternal life, with your neon green grass and birds singing sweet jazz, you are really something. Oh April, you’ve probably got a guy who does your taxes! But why are you going around breaking everyone’s hearts? You’re sick! You’re like a little girl with anti-gravitational locks licking lollipops and lighting fires in a valentine’s day card factory. Let the people see the real red of fluffy hearts with scalpel precision performed randomly in the back alley of the dive bar your step-uncle Pete, with the lazy eye and Beefeater Gin tattoo as a trampstamp he got on a very bad night involving counterfeit and/or well tequila, is that your philosophy?!!? No? Oh… well… what’s the deal?
Everywhere I go, everyone’s hearts are breaking and cellphone minutes are used in 8 minute intervals and voicemail inboxes get filled with wet messages; it tears me up inside. I’m not one for the sensitive side of things, but when my friends are out there on the field getting shot and wounded because April got bored, you bet your sweet ass I’m going to be fired up like a pro baseball player on “performance enhancers.” So here I am in the ER working triple overtime, eating vending machine dinners, healing the sick, wounded, and the heartbroken, only to finally ask myself, “wat is yo damn problem, April? Girl, you best drive in a schoolzone speed befo I kick yo dang teef in. You eva digest a toof befo!?”
This has been a very sad month for my loved ones, but some are finding solstice in the bottom of a pint-glass, shishkebabs, and Tekken 6, which was released on 10/27 and critics say is, “the best way to watch a 70 year old man kill a panda by kicking him in the d*ck, and not on YouTube.” No that wasn’t a plug, more like a, “hang in there guys, if you can still laugh and/or chuckle, you can still live. And if you can still live, you can still unnecessarily smuggle jello shots into inappropriate settings… like a Bed Bath and Beyond, or a 24-hour Kinko’s with a vengeful and exposing picture you want to make 600 copies of and a list of all the local community colleges tucked in your back pocket. What am I talking about? I’m talking about you putting on a nice pair of shoes, and throwing down with April.