you know that feeling you get when nothing seems to go your way and no matter what you try to do to turn things around, it only seems to make things worse? geeze, i think i read too much into that whole, ‘the universe is subject to our perspective’ kinda thing. it’s like i outsmarted myself into psyching myself out of something before something ever happened. for some odd reason, it’s difficult for me to accept that i can’t please everybody. i wonder if that’s selfish or selfless now and then. i haven’t been able to write anything let alone speak aloud without worrying about something i say backfire. then there’s that spiraling mindset that has me considering the consequences of my actions, which in turn, prompts me to see consequences for every choice i consider. and the tough part is when i decide on something for my own sake. i don’t want to let anyone down. maybe i’m afraid to.
i wonder sometimes, well i wonder a lot, and the thought that i’m being punished for something i did or will do keeps creeping up on me. it’s like a chess game and i’m playing with a version of me that’s come and gone, or even yet to come. y’know that whole ‘you’re your own worst enemy’ bit. but it’s different. it feels like everything i’ve ever witnessed or experienced in life, songs, movies, conversations with strangers, graffiti, stickers at bus stops, the way someone’s desk is arranged, the all of it feels like it’s catching up, and something big is gonna happen. or little. to feel big and small simultaneously, hurts. which sorta explains why i’m so afraid to let anyone down. at my own expense even. sometimes it feels like i’m not so alone, that i’m being helped, but they can’t just come out and say it straightforward. well that or i’m just too slow to take the hint.
why? why am i? so afraid of wishful thinking? why was I? broken hearts at a young age cuts like glass all around. the most tragic romantic is the one that believes a broken heart is akin to the end of everything. scientific theorems, even the expanse of time and space can’t explain why grief is so alluring. magnetic even. maybe it’s in the water. maybe the air. maybe grief imprints something in us like when you look at a bright light real quick with our pupils and close your eyes.
i’m not sure if i still have a broken heart. i know i’m alone but not really.
“endless pain to prove I lived? to prove meaningless, not mindless.” -somebody