i get that you know everything about me, even the stuff about me that i subconsciously blocked out. it scares me you’re so clever and can come at me with those sweet words. new words all the time, but that way you have with words, you’re like a ballerina. it gets me every time.
you plucked my heartstrings in exactly the right ways. and then you break my heart in the worst ways imaginable. multiple times. i know i always tell others to get outta that sorta relationship because you always see clearer in 3rd person. but i kept falling for your tricks anyway, even to the point where i knew the other shoe was about to drop. it was masochistic of me, i guess. but it started to get annoying. because i had to start reflecting on my own personal life, something i know i’m supposed to do, but i didn’t find that so important then as i do now..
the elation, the uppity sweetness, and then the emotional turmoil. that was your pattern. you even seemed to enjoy watching my insides get wrenched. your patience with the setup to the punchline, is legendary.
but upon reflection, i realized this. that’s just exactly how life is. one never stays happy and good because circumstances change. like your words. so instead of hating you, i forgive. you taught me a lot about myself, as i had to figure out the hidden things about myself in order to defend myself. so you taught me about myself, my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses and you taught me about life. Yet, I’m not cynical, nor do i have a pessimistic outlook. I would’ve had i never learned to pay attention to myself and worked on the things that made me prey to you. i even learned new skills along the way, skills that will help me in life and society.
this is significant because i didn’t care to be alive and in society while we had our thing. when things were good, i wanted to be good, but i didn’t care if i died. i guess you kinda took that fear of death away. strange, indeed. it’d be pretty f*cking cool if you had done all this on purpose, like it was some strange life lesson you came to teach me, but i’ll never know while i’m alive. but because of the many times you made me feel like nothing, the times i felt utterly crushed, i feel different. more interested in life, and the little things people do. it’s like a new set of senses to experience the world.
sometimes, I wonder if you turned me into a creature just like you.