This has got to be the strangest month ever. I feel confident that everyone has those. The kind of pitched where nothing goes your way. Let me tell you about my month.

First, I dreaded it before it happened. Then again, I already had the dread itself before it began. I had a court arraignment. In California. I’d you haven’t yet, just believe me when I say it’s outdated and just as severe as everyone makes it out to be. On the most minimal of charges, I still went to jail. 4 days. At my arraignment, I got sentenced to 8 days. Luckily or unluckily, my 4 days counted as 8 in my sentence. But I was requited to serve 26 days in AA sessions. Plus not get in trouble for an entire year. Not with the law at least. The next week, it was suggested I plead guilty to a DUI charge. The result was 62 AA sessions within the same time frame. Twice a week plus 390 in fines. If you don’t know how fines work in court, I’ll tell you: it’s fine plus extra charges. 390 equates to about 2500$. I choose incarceration as payment, at a future date. 24 days, they said but I would realistically serve 10 percent of that. But I choose to turn myself in on the Friday of memorial day weekend in the hopes of not serving at all courtesy of the over crowded system. Aside from that, I have to schedule a day to look at dead bodies for 8 hours through the HAM system. (hospital any morgue) and an evening with MADD. (mothers against drink drivers) this was all because I stopped the car only one foot over the limit line. They stopped me for that.

Two things I learned; deny ALL tests they want to subject you to,  and pull over to where there’s overnight parking or that this get away with just a parking ticket. Cause it’s 500 to get your wheels or of the impound the next day if you’re lucky, and 2500 if you’re unlucky to get a 30 day hold put on your car. My mandatory AA classes start at 6 am on Saturday and Sunday. AM., BTW.

Then I got my Vivano 1500 Univega stolen. A rare road bicycle with a fantastic paint job. On a Thursday. I just shrugged it off and said, “what the fuck else could happen?” The response was, “more.” the following Sunday I bought a rusty vintage Raleigh with shot gears and a crooked handlebar. I lowballed the fellow to a hundred bucks from twice that and he said yes. I’d always been a decent haggler, just know what you’re bullshitting about. I took it home, then took it apart to put it back together. Correctly. It ran like butter on a hot skillet. I decided to give it a test ride after lubing the chain, switching through all the gears seamlessly until this yellow VWBug turns the corner ahead of me. I saw it coming too, which was the sad and almost pathetic part. My first thought was,  “this is it.” he hit me head on bending the front forks of the bicycle backwards while forcing me a somersault. My front tooth dug into my lower lip, my arms stressed and tore at the friction from impacting the yellow steel hood. As I slammed into the pavement I heard the bug screech to a momentary halt. Then I twitched and began to help myself up. That’s when he there it into first and blasted off. I was there on the street, lifted my new bicycle of 7 hours old whilst covered in blood and shouted, “come oooon” towards the heavens. No one came out of their home to help me.
I had owned that bike for no more than 7 hours, got hit by a car that took off, went to jail, got an illogical sentence, blue a hundred bones- all in a month. Technically it happened in two weeks, though.

Now at first I chalked it all up to bad luck. It seemed the most sensible conclusion. But thinking about something so much will only manifest it whether it be good or bad. All neutral thoughts become dark with enough time. We’re naturally dark. It is a chore to be good and stay good. Sometimes, I get to see my limits and want to stop it all. Then at the last possible moment I remember how funny it all really is. I mean, what could happen next?


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