I’ve decided to come clean in this recent onset of ennui. I’m dying. The cancer I’d thought was abated is still swimming through the bloody canals of my carbon-based vessel. I was relieved to find out that it isn’t a disease of my own implement.
People I knew that were mean to me are still mean to me, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve always found it repulsive that people speak highly of the dead. But my people would change their demeanor toward me if they knew I was dying. What bothers me is that I don’t see the point of being sweeter to a dying person because the fact is that we are all dying. I just happen to know what I’m dying from. Is that what provokes slithering sympathies? Or is it knowing when? I didn’t ask the doctor how much time I had left. I don’t care. I’m refusing any treatment as well. Not because I want to die. I just see less of a reason to stay alive these days. The line between being alive and impressing others has been blurred and I can’t see a downside from my exeunt.
I wanted so much to leave a legacy behind. Some sort of evidence that underlines my existence in this current point in time. But I realized I don’t have to. Others have already done that for me. I wanted to leave an awesome set of quotes for everyone to use because everything I’ve done has been in representation of the little man. Something like, “I refuse to embrace a nation that refuses to embrace me.” That’s a statement everyone can relate to, nation being peoples. But my sense of impressing others is limited to the brokenhearted. Only the brokenhearted know the secrets to the universe, but that’s obviously a double-edged sword. I’ve already been written about, ages before I was even born. Movies were made. Soon these stories will become a piece of fiction as time will dictate and people will stop believing I existed. That’s okay. Everyone I know will die. That’s okay. We’ll be back, we always are. When the lines are no longer blurred, then everything will merge. I find it hard to believe that everything will be alive at that point. Life and Death is the evidence of Love and Mercy in a breath and a whimper, and our minds are the only dividing lines.