Commitments

The thing about commitment is that a commitment is a commitment. It does not have an expiration date. Brushing your teeth every morning with your wife or husband for 30 years is a commitment. People who avoid a big commitment are the only ones who know how big a thing a commitment really is.

People talk behind people’s backs in A flat. If I didn’t speak to you condescendingly, it my give you the false impression of my having any respect for you. At least I care enough to talk about you.

Why, hello! I’m Mr. I-had-no-friends-growing-up-so-I-only-watched-t.v.-and-can-now-make-countless-pop-culture-references-that-makes-no-sense-to-anyone-else-but-me. You must be Ms. Commitment.

We need to arrive at a strange detente because we’re like two dogs circling each other at the park about to bite each others eyeballs out. Now, I say that with all the love in the world. Wait, didn’t I share half a pastrami sandwich with you in the back of the washroom at a truckstop in Bakersfield? No? Man, it would have been really funny if you said yes. Two answers and you pick the unfunny one. I’m being childish and not taking this seriously? Why do people say that with such pleasure? I have feelings, you know. Hold on, I gotta take a dump real quick.

Done. My large colon took your lunch from the lounge. I’m was in the bathroom negotiating it’s release.

Someone considered too nice, is considered a naïve idiot. Dostoyevsky said this. Voltaire said this in Candide. Demonstratus! (I wrote in Latin because I don’t hide how much of an ass I am when I’m writing). People call nice people, idiots, because they remind them so much of who they aren’t. Like a flu. And before they know it, that person has made them a better person. No, I don’t want to have sex right now, I’m in the middle of a dumb idea. Mel Gibson movies aren’t going to get me into the mood! Where’d you study?! Do I love you? I love parts of you, but we’re getting closer. I’m an idiot? I’m not disagreeing. But don’t blame me for being vulgar, and having naughty fantasies… blame my gender!

They’ll probably make a statue of you one day, but probably with your pants pulled down and a giant Kick Me sign taped onto your back. Hold on, I need to tell my editor something. “So the rabbit goes aroooound the tree in a loop, theeeeen it goes down the hole.” Okay, where was I? Again, two answers and you’re choosing to be dull. I’m being childish again?! Okay, okay. It’s bargaining if you want something isn’t it? It’s begging if you know you’ve nothing to sweeten the pot with. This kind of thinking killed our lord. At least once.

Life is scary, and dangerous and complicated and going down like a plane. Hope is for sissies. I’m going to ignore you now because you make me sad… you lesbian! Well, I know you’re bisexual, I was just rounding up, Ms. Commitment. Am I kidding, you ask? If I was kidding, I’d be dressed like you. Wait, are those… Givenchy’s? Nice. Did you know hallucinating is the way for the brain to work out a messed up problem…. and that your brain is bleeding. That’s what happens when a bus hits you, when I say bus, I mean a passive aggressive commitment keeper.

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