“Oh I love you, even when you’re sick and look disgusting.”
“I know now go! Or you will actually miss the plane!”
“Did I mention that I love you?”
Do you know that question? That question that always surfaces after a break up or a divorce of a supposed interminable bond? The one that goes, “why do I keep falling for the wrong one?”
Not to sound boastful, but I actually know the answer to this one. Deep down, you’re actually crossing your fingers towards the unjust assumption that you’ll be wrong. Somehow, by way of cosmic roulette, they do something with a crystal clear notion of malice, and you ignore it. And everytime they do something that surprises you, even slightly, they end up winning your favor again, and you end up forfeiting the argument you’ve battled on your own that would, to any intellectually capable person can tell, would dictate this person wasn’t right for you. Basically, you come up with their defenses for your arguments.
If this has happened to you, well ive got good news! You’ve most likely discovered that you can hurt and ache in places you didn’t know you could hurt and ache inside you. It doesn’t matter a smidgen how many haircuts you get, or how much you work out or how many times you go out with the intention of belligerent obliteration with your friends. You always end up on your bed with your watery, restless eyes everynight, pondering and deducing every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you’ve misunderstood, and how in the world you managed to convince yourself you were happy.
Allow me to expound, in a way that sounds familiar. Sometimes you can even convince yourself that through their non sequitur responses, they’ll eventually see the light and show up at your door, which is, I’ll tell you now, romantically improbable.
When you’ve gathered enough courage, however, you’ll eventually leave to a new place after all that, however long all that may be. You’ll meet new and wonderful people who’ll make you feel worthwhile again, as opposed to feeling as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And tiny shards of your shiny soul will finally come back. And all those blurry things, the scarring moments of your life you feel were wasted… will eventually fade.
Your tumultuous quips cease, and you start compartmentalizing your life and priorities to suit your own needs, which you’ve neglected for far too long. Before you know it, you’ll be having latenight conversations where ideas float like clouds. Your life will actually be as fluid as when you describe it while half asleep.