Sisyphus

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We’re all highly cerebral creatures with many facets to us. Supposedly, we’re all mildly schizophrenic, part gay, or part centaur or what have you, but we’re all walking paradoxes. Its those minute and sporadic combinations that grant us this proverbial individuality we all seek in order to shy from the herd, in which we can never escape from anyhow. But our perseverance is loud.

Sure, I can be a bit sardonic, sometimes extremely, but I’m also a very caring and tenderhearted person, and that’s apparent to people who actually know me and not just as a digital personality or the guy who makes the best whip cream pyramid.

I guess what I’m saying is, I get fairly discouraged when people don’t know that tender side of me, which in turn, raises my cynicism. It’s a poor reaction, but that’s just the way I am. Like some people like to eat when there’s discomfort, or some people like to shut themselves out completely, I like to plot the end of humanity. Big deal. I still give the autistic bum down my street, named Mike, my change. Even the quarters. But how great is YOUR reaction if you only focus on my bad habits and take my virtues for granted? In the case of my late fiancĂ©e, I remembered her schedules for her, appointments she’s kept, what foods she should’ve been eating at what times, or even when it was time to do yoga or a 3 mile jog. I Even woke up at 4a.m. daily just in order to give her an alarm wake up call when she was on the other side of the continent. Names, dates, and just little things because I was always under the impression that what you do everyday meant more than what you did every once in a while. But discouragement kicks in when she’d rather be angry about my asking who she’s with that inhibits my being able to talk to her on the phone.

If I could put myself through my job everyday, then why wouldn’t I do that for her? I actually enjoyed it, as a matter of fact. But I’m still not perfect. No one is, every now and then, we all fall victim to John Gottmans four horsemen; defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, and worst of all, contempt.

There is only love, but more often than not, I find that hard to believe. But I still try… even sardonically.

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