Monthly Archives: February 2010

Put The Pistols and Revolvers Down, We’re on the Same Side

I just got a call tonight. Much like one of those pinnacle moments in the movie where the person realizes the error of their ways, so that things can be changed. As charmed as I am about this idea, this proposal is usually accompanied by smoke in the chimney. After the many times I’ve been fucked over relentlessly, I don’t just invite ‘sunshine and lollipops,’ in without a cavity search. Keep the glove.

I’m reminded by the million tiny little amazing things that we had, shared, and when all added up, only made sense that we were together. like family. I was also reminded by the few big unfortunate events that had to occur to really push us off our rockers. It feels like I’ve known her my entire life, even the little things, like the significance of Mockingbird by Eminem, or celebrity named dog from back home, and more importantly, the dreams we always talked about which had become our gameplan. It seems now we need a Hail Mary, and i’ve only seen this person a total of thirty or so days within the last year. Is this crazy? It is to everyone. But it seems like french toast in the morning to us now.

I have no idea where her mind is now, but I miss it. More so than my own. And I really hope she didn’t lie to me about everything she said tonight, but we’ll find out tomorrow won’t we? Stay tuned. I hope it’ll be a short break, because if I put all the chips I have left into this one, I’m fucked.

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Tremor Control

Does true love last forever? It has a chance. but only if both parties are willing to try. Honesty is key. Honesty honesty. At this certain stage in my life, I’ve discovered vanity to be the most deadly sins of all; it leads you to commit all the other ones and watches you comically try to justify it. It sits and nods it’s self assured head and giggles when you walk away thinking you’re clean. It also knows that the excuses weren’t for anyone but yourself. I suppose all the great sins work this way, but right now, that one is loudest.

Anyhoo, I was watching the The Fugitive with Harrison Ford the other day. I envied the rapport Doctor Robert Kimball had with is wife before she died. I also liked the beginning of Up, the movie by Pixar. Why don’t I know any of these kinds of people? The movie Valentines Day was nice too, until Jessica Alba’s character did a hardcore homage to my life later in the film. Movies are great to certain people if those people can relate. Just like a good book.

A friend of mine reminded me that sadness and despair is going to help create art. I just saw something today that would normally push a person into self applicable death. However, it’s too late. I can’t even react anymore. Maybe it’s a sign that says “hey buddy, guess what? You’ve gotten over it!” Or it could be a sign saying, “Hey buddy, you’re too dangerous with this stuff, so i’m going to leave you a sociopath. I hope you kept a receipt for those feelings. Otherwise, there’s a shit-ton of paperwork for the repo and etc…”

Alexi Wasser asked if love can last. It can, but is far from eternal. Everyone has this thing called freedom now, and overpopulation kind of plays a role. There simply is too many people out there not to fall in love with daily. Yet, if one foot is in and the other is out, then you never were really going to accept true love in the first place, you’ll always be looking. Then when you hit 35, you start saying to yourself, “hmm that guy/girl wasn’t so bad, I should’ve just gotten him one of those nasal strips and poof! no more snoring!”

What constitutes ever lasting love to you? Someone perfect? As cliche as it is to start off a sentence stating the following statement is going to sound cliche, no one is perfect. It’s the imperfections you learn to live with that make that match a perfect match. Believe you me, they’d have to make the same compromise for your imperfections as well. But, fuck it! we’re young! 2010’s sexual forecast calls for promiscuous tastings anyway! No one is ever meant to last forever, and I’ve heard Chernobyl is okay to take a tour of again!

Anything you can do I can do too. Though I don’t have the heart to put my feelings into my actions. Their only goal is to self deprecate, which is a sign of a good mate. Self deprecators will always need you.

kiss kiss, xoxo.
(i know what i said)

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Don’t Leave The Light On

Everything looks promising. Everything looks bright on the road to come. But it doesn’t mean anything to do it all alone. Success hasn’t got a meaning if you can’t share it with those you care about. My soul is right next to the blues section but no one shops there. Yeah it’s my birthday, and i’ve got birthday wishes up the arse, but my sole birthday wish isn’t coming true. I hear happy birthdays along with the plucked high notes of a guitar playing a little nostalgic tune. This is a day of joy, and celebration but it’s feeling more like a wake for my insides.

My birthday cake and candles are replaced by an ashtray with an equal number of cigarettes, and I’ve eaten a slice of it. Festive lights and laughs drowned out by Radiohead’s OK Computer, and I’m using fastfood napkins as Kleenex. I feel colder today than any day during the winter even with my vintage brown ski jacket. No warm hugs and bottomless bottles of wine, just that sore pain you get in the back of your neck from trying to muffle yourself from crying too loudly. It is Winter and Autumn rolled into a bat that beats me unconscious. I want the Summer and Spring, but Jagger says, I can’t always get what I want.

I’d be lying if I said I knew my happy birthday song was going to be sung by Thom Yorke, He’s great for virtually every other day of the week, excluding Christmas, but his words and voice seem to know me best right now.

Some people never get over ‘nam, and some people never forget the night Chicago died; this is one of those delights.

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high fidelity

I miss her smell, and the way she tastes. It’s a mystery of human chemistry and I don’t understand it, some people, as far as their senses are concerned, just feel like home.
I really dig how she walks around. It’s like she doesn’t care how she looks or what she projects and it’s not that she doesn’t care it’s just, she’s not affected I guess, and that gives her grace.
she does this thing in bed when she can’t get to sleep, she kinda half moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times… it just kills me. Believe me, I mean, I could do a top five things about her that drive me crazy but it’s just your garden variety women you know, schizo stuff and that’s the kind of thing that got me here.

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Silent, Silent

I carry the weight of the world on my back. It isn’t a choice i consciously made, but something I always do. I seldom forgive myself for anything but instead I try to fix. Even when I haven’t done anything. I try to fix problems for other people before I ever worry about my own. Especially if a close friend or a loved one is in need. Am I looking to make good karma? no, but I’m sure I’ve racked up a ton of points. Through that, I discovered karma isn’t real, otherwise I wouldn’t have a slouch from the weight of the sun and moon. We always need an answer for anything we don’t understand and it’s sometimes harder to just grasp the idea that, “things happen.”

I’ll take a quiet life, a handshake of carbon monoxide, No alarms and no surprises. I’ll keep the soul I have right here in this record shop, right next to the blues

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Heart Skips a Beat

To some, love means nothing. To some, love is the only thing they know. To some, it doesn’t exist unless acknowledged in front of other people. The validity of love and affection, hurts no one except the two that are in love. Nobody ever said you had to walk into love; you fall into it. And no one ever said falling was painless. It normally hurts, but love is the last legal state of psychosis that puts smiles on even the most devastated faces, and warm the most arctic hearts. Even briefly, but sometimes, that brief moment can mean nothing less than the world.

People go through different partners like underwear nowadays just to find that one person they can’t expect to make you laugh with a stupid joke, or make faces and voices, or sing obscure dirty hiphop songs and speak in a different language or even speak in tongue. Just to make you feel better. Love means never having to say you’re sorry, You’re in a team. and exclusive team that only has two members. You love them not just for the things that are easy to fall in love with, everyone does that. the trick is to love all the not-so-easy to fall in love with things about them It’s the little things that matter most, the details, like ornaments on a christmas tree. it’s apart of them. If you don’t, you’d be lying everytime you said, “i love you.”

“I lost two cities, two rivers, and a continent. I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster. Even losing you, the joking voice, a gesture i loved…”

I’ve always loved this passage by Elizabeth Bishop, Bishop makes it seem as though she doesn’t mind losing all those things, she’s trying to look strong so she conveys losing things of a grand scale like cities and continents. But the joking voice was the greatest loss of all, and it kills her. I don’t think she was writing about losing a lover, but losing a good friend. But we all know that they say person you marry, should be your best friend anyway.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, We Are Floating In Space

I’m sitting here wondering what kind of post this is going to be. I usually have a general idea on where my posts are headed. This time, however, is different.

I hope everyone had a nice Valentines Day, I know many of you hate Valentines Day, or perhaps even just the idea of Valentines Day, but the creators didn’t really think of it as a marketable day. It was just one guy or girl who just so happen to be in love, that they proposed a day to celebrate lovers across the globe. As it turns out, it was a very marketable idea. Matter of fact is, there are plenty of people in the world who have nothing against the celebration of being in love. Thats the idea. I celebrate it to, regardless of whether or not i’m in love. Love makes the world go round, and fills living everyday with an even greater purpose. without living with love, then why live at all. that’s like having a starbucks frappuccino without whipcream. You’re already sinning after all, why not take the extra step and enjoy the treat on top?

I had the pleasure of being with my babylove again the last few days. it was heaven-like even if we were so far apart. Yes we’ve had our share of problems, but we were resilient motherfuckers and got through every obstacle that rolled in our path. That’s what people in love do, they get over them together and that shows the strength of their bond. However, sometimes a line must be drawn, you can’t keep compromising and expect everything to be daisies and sunshine. She did something foolish, but this time, She couldn’t forgive herself even though I did, but there are some things that hurt us more than they hurt other people. For every selfish act, there is a consequence, for every selfless act, you already know what the consequences will be. I love her dearly and will never let her blame herself. We do things sometimes that we can’t explain, and sometimes the devil compels us. those faint of heart will succumb, and those of us who are strong, endure.

I have a birthday in a few days. I am not excited. It is utterly pointless to celebrate another year of life without those we love. I’d much rather celebrate the hallmark endorsed Valentines Day. When we got back this time, we knew something was different, we couldn’t tell what it was. And we still can’t. I suppose somewhere along the line, this was the line that had to be drawn, a few days before my birthday. I don’t want to see my birthday. I suppose this is one of those entries. One of those last ones. What does a person feel in this state of mind? What is the correct way to feel? I don’t know, but i want to feel at peace first.

This has been a nice ride, but my plans were foiled before they even got started. Frankly, I find myself thinking of the pointlessness of the upcoming annual celebration. I have two and half more days to change my mind I suppose. But it’s all too heavy on your own. Its time to rest. I hope everyone laughs everyday because that’s the next best thing besides living with love. but even my laughs are fake.

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