It was hard to accept that she had no feelings, maybe none at all, for me as a man. This hurts so bad at times that it felt like someone gouging out my guts with a knife. Still, the time I spent with her was more precioius than anything. She helped me forget the undertone of lonliness in my life. She expanded the outer edges of my world, helped me saw a deep soothing breath. Only she could do that for me.
I’d spread out some bedding on the floor and lie down, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep, my mind full of fantasies, confused thoughts, self loathing. Sometimes the inevitable physical realities would cause me grief, and I’d lie awake in misery until dawn.
The biggest problem right now is that you don’t know what kind of fiction you’re dealing with. You dont know the plot; the styles still not set. The only thing you know is the main characters name. Nevertheless, this new fiction is reinventing who you are. Give it time, it’ll take you under its wing, and you may very well catch a glimpse of a brand-new world. But youre not there yet, which leaves you in a precarious position.
As we made our way up, the lights of the harbor got smaller and farther away. All activities of the people who’d been right beside me were absorbed into that anonymous line of lights. It was an impressive sight, I wanted to clip out with scissors and pin to the wall of my memory.
I had to get rid of a lot of baggage to get closer to her. Even the act of thinking became burden. I think that explains it. No matter how tall the grass was, I couldn’t be bothered. I sprawled on my back, gazing up at the sky, watching the billowy clouds drift by. Consigning my fate to the clouds. Giving myself up to the pungent aroma of grass, murmur of the wind. And after a times I couldn’t have cared less about the difference between what I knew and didn’t know.
An acrid smell of death in her words. The coarse-looking moon loomed awfully near. A hard ball of stone, its skin eaten away by the merciless passage of time. Ominous shadows on its surface were blind cancer cells stretching out feelers toward the warmth of life. The moonlight warped every sound, washed away all meaning, threw every mind into chaos.
Do you understand what I’m saying?
I think so…
Then come get me.