the month of September has brought me strange highs and strange lows, but that’s just the way my love goes,
I spent the best 5 days of my life i will ever spend for a while with my girlfriend. two simple days later, i had a meeting with another girl’s father. i found out that i might be having a baby with this girl. panic-stricken i did the only thing i could think of doing, which was to tell my girlfriend right away. i don’t know why i did that even if the unborn hooligan was possibly not mine. my last physical left me with a simple, “you may never have children,” due to my low sperm count. malnutrition does that to you. but here i am with a possible baby. tomorrow, i have to go to an oncologist to see if i have cancer. i discovered a lump on my back that i researched and i might possibly have malignant melanoma, a form of skin cancer. the death mark four inches from my spine, a baby that might not be mine, and losing the love of my life all in the month of september. with my gracious luck, i probably DO have cancer, that’s just the way my luck works.
i needed support from my girlfriend, first and foremost. i never cheated on her and the child was a result from something that happened before her. but seeing as how she’s young, i understand why she would abandon me at a time like this. that’s fine. but it’s those lovey dovey words she’s said to me all along that make me wonder if any bit of it was real to begin with. then, while she was breaking up with me, she proceeded to tell me that she didn’t know me to begin with.
have my walls been placed too high? is it true that she didn’t know me? have i been a phantom all this time to everyone close in my life? a blank? i don’t even have a name that everyone can call me. the answer is yes. i’ve always been too mysterious for my own good, though it has never been on purpose. i was always in a different fasade and i knew it. i don’t have a self. i was selfless. that’s just the way i’ve always been, but it isn’t the way anyone should be if you’re going to give your heart to someone. but if hearts are exchanged, wouldn’t that have been realized before embarking on such a mischievous journey? friends have been telling me, “you’ll find someone else, she’s not the only girl out there, ” but it’s hard to recieve that when she’s the only girl i’ve ever fallen in love with. everything about her seemed perfect to me; her charms, her vices, her completely. yet she’s young, just starting college and accumulating her life experiences that she’s due. the only thing that bothered me about her, was that she was a bird with unclipped wings. you can’t cage a bird like her, and she was always ready for a flight. her true love is the open skies. and even that, seemed perfect to me.
when i found out i was having a baby, i immediately thought about her and how much it was going to hurt her. and i knew it would snowball into something worse if i were to keep that from her. so i told her. when i did, there were no words after that. just the feeling of deep contemplation and silence. i knew then, that i was going to lose her, the best thing that ever happened to me, and the only person who could really make me feel stupid for losing. “c’est la vie,” i keep telling myself, but what comes to my mind right after that is, will i really just let her go like this? i bought a plane ticket to chicago. even overdrafted my card to do so. my trip was set for next weekend, but i refunded it. i knew i was thinking irrationably and given the current situation, i was in no position to make such decisions. what happens when i fly there? when i knock on her door, when i hold and kiss her. what then? i might still have someone elses child. empathetically, if i was in her shoes, i would not take me back. nor would i even pay attention to me, no mater how much love was exchanged. when i realized that, i knew i had to let her go, let the bird use it’s wings.
she mentioned my alcoholism while she broke up with me.but i had decided to stop drinking when i had inadvertantly forced her to drive the los angeles highway at six in the morning. i haven’t had a chance to show her. she also mentioned i had to get “my shit straight<' but i already have. if this child was indeed mine, i would be there for it, and have absolutely nothing to do with the mother. it would be strictly business, but i know others would never understand. if i was my girlfriend, i wouldn't want to deal with that either, especially with a blank. i would feel less loved and ashamed to help a person raise a child that didn't belong to them. there was no way i could have assured her that she'd be receiving my undivided attention. especially not to a youthful person with success engraved in her nature. a child slows everyone down.
so there you have it, cancer, possible babies, and lost soulmates all in a span of a few days. i think it's safe to say, i'm having the shittiest week ever.
on a side note, she met hugh laurie today. the same day she broke up with me. hugh laurie is one of my heroes. and i now won't be able to hear my girlfriend rub it in my face.
i was erased as fast as i came along, and that hurts. lots of things hurt right now and i’m kind of hoping i have cancer just to put the cherry on top of the sundae.